Medical...mysteries

So in preparation for left breast mass removal ’09 I had to speak with a nurse on the phone for about 35-45 minutes. It was difficult because they want to go through all (even your dreaded teenage years) history. I would pause at certain questions; I don’t share this stuff with the counselor. Isn’t there a rule that after 15-20 years you get to start over? I mean really doesn’t getting older provide you with some sort of immunity from your past? You turn 18 years old you can vote, 21 you can drink, 25 your car insurance goes down…then what nothing, nada, zip, so I call immunity. She thought this was amusing but what does tearing into my boob have anything to do with…well I don’t have to tell you I called immunity. Then questions came like “would you be winded after walking three blocks?” In 103 degree weather, did I just eat a huge cheeseburger, am I wearing a backpack, have I slept, am I on my period, why don’t I take a car, was I exercising beforehand (ha-ha), is it at a mall, am I being chased, I mean really this question. Well she says like what would happen if you went up three flights of stairs? Stairs? Who do I think I am... Rocky, who lives up there,what happened to the elevator...In retrospect maybe this is why the phone call took so long? Nah…

Is that Yogi and Boo-boo?

Good news and so-so news, I passed my tests, benign but the complex cyst did not go away so I have to have surgery to get it out. I’m sure it will be fine but I have apprehension about being put under and knowing you have to be naked in a cold room on an uncomfortable slab with strangers (that hasn't happened since 1990 and the whole "little green man" thing, you know E.T., Mork from Ork, creatures from outer space). Who knows what’s going on ya know? It’s an ideal situation for a sharpie marker and a Polaroid camera. I’m also getting advice to take time off to take it easy. I’ve told all that I’m fairly talented but I have yet to perfect answering the phone, lifting items, typing, or many other tasks with my breast. And anytime I try to shake someone’s hand with it, it just brings on distressing stares. I also haven’t chest pounded since the last time I played scrabble and I haven’t done that in awhile since no one will play with me since I chest pound. So that’s that. I’m sure it will hurt but all that means is I’ll have more bear stories to share.

Don't fight Mother Nature

I‘ve been trying to work on my daughters list for Christmas. I finally found the Snow Miser’s phone number to get more snow. Unfortunately getting through all the computer prompts is murder, press 22 for Cantonese, press 38 for Hungarian, and so forth. It’s not in alphabetical order or anything and it’s actually gone to Elfish twice (don’t they have an “in” with the big guy in red?). Next you are on hold listening to “He’s Mister White Christmas, he Mister Snow”. When I thought I finally got through it was a like a public service announcement against the Heat Miser (sibling rivalry). Then more choices on snow, an inch or two, fluffy, packable, time specifics, and etc, I think this one was just too tough to do. I’m a failure…

Making a list and checking account

So my daughter gave us a Christmas list but then for a school project she had to write a letter to Santa. This letter had all new stuff.

Dear Santa,

Do you need help cleaning your sled? I know I've done some bad things to my little brother. But I said sorry. Sometimes he would be having so much fun he wouldn't notice and just keep laughing. But I've still been good a lot.

Please get me these things. A Golden Retriever puppy (who likes cats), an I-Dog soft speaker, an Apple (she added the TM symbol next to it) laptop, WII Fit, Guitar Hero, giant pencil, more snow, a cell phone, that my fish and snail won't die, that Maya (my cat) will go to the vet, a mini statue of liberty and the best Christmas EVER!

So reading between the lines “he would be having so much fun he wouldn’t notice” Like if you’re tickling someone and punching them at the same time? Or slapping him and feeding him M&M’s? Not quite sure what she meant… I also enjoyed that my fish and snail won’t die because she could have written, don’t let my mom murder anymore of our sea creatures. As for Maya this cat has had more surgeries then Joan Rivers and I am dry of cat surgery money for her new “foot tumor”. I know report me (I’m sure if it gets bad enough I let the kids starve to fix the 14 year old cat).Giant pencil and mini statue of liberty I guess it could have been reversed a giant statue of liberty and a mini pencil. Oh and a dog, a dog that me, myself, and I would be outside in the 2 degree weather begging the pup to poop. Anyway Santa and I are in trouble because these are not the things we went over originally maybe he could put some scratch off tickets in her stocking or a T- shirt that says “I asked Santa for merchandise that was valued over $2,000 and Bush screwed me over with this dumb old T-shirt!” I’m stilling weighing my options…

No pain no gain

Ok so I finally get to see the doctor after having the breast tests done. She says that they will aspirate the cyst again then use something else to remove the tissue so both can be biopsied (is that a word?) and it can be done right now in the office. She leaves telling me she will get the nurse to set it up. When the nurse arrives back in she is carrying a large sword, or whatever it’s in a package and it’s got to be 1 ½ to 2 feet long. I’m like hey what’s up with that light saber and crap. She says it’s scarier than it looks (hello never heard that one before). She sets up her stuff then leaves. She and the doctor arrive back and the doctor says sorry for the scary instrument and I said something like well if two people didn’t have to carry it in I wouldn’t be a worried. They both look at each other with the look like I’m going to be trouble, like at this point I’m going to jump up, with my gown opened to the front not tied, and tell everyone to stay back and no one touches my complex cyst. I will then request they give me a head start and don’t try any funny business (I’ll need the head start because I’m taking the elevator because I’ll be too amped up for stair work).Anywho that doesn’t happen (shocker) and the doc precedes to tell me that she’ll numb me up and use the sword of Gryffindor to remove tissue, oh and that it makes kind of a jarring sound when used. I guess I would describe it as a nail gun noise and it works similarly but in reverse yanking out the stringy booger sized tissue and she does this action maybe 5 times. They pat me on the hand like a three old and tell me I did a great job. Get this instead a lollipop or sticker… she gives me some painkillers. So you know I don’t drink so my tolerance is a little low but I’m concerned my booby’s going to hurt so I take one. I’m good, a bit lightheaded, lightheaded a funny word because really I’m not aware of removing a head because it was just to heavy to carry around so I guess aren’t all of us in a sense lightheaded?…of course now that I say this I’ll see a documentary on TLC about cranium reassignment. It’s the second time I take one that I feel even more at ease let’s say. So at ease that at one point I thought a bear was in my room and because of my vast knowledge of nothingness I play dead. You know no sudden movements and all. After sometime passes I start to think it through the odds of a bear coming into a house in the suburbs coming upstairs then heading down the hall to the last door… ok so I guess maybe I overreacted a bit because come to found it was just my hair in my face ha-ha painkillers… Test results next week, let’s hope I pass.

Who Cares?

So my husband and my brother-n -law have this fascination with me because I haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink in the last 17 years. I usually puke if I drink so I also try never to put my finger down my throat, sky dive, eat squid, ride the tilt-a-whirl, sniff paint thinner, or stick carrots in my nose, I just know it won’t work out well. Also in 17 plus years I haven’t worn blue eye shadow, bought Aqua Net, dreamt of marrying Eddie Van Halen, worn Nike high tops, said Bitch’n, used Sun In, watched Love Boat, cried over Matt Dillon, dialed a rotary phone, or used a hanger to zip up my Jordache. But no one seems to care about that. The best part is the two of them think they can peer pressure me into drinking, are we 13? And if I do succumb to their childish pleas who will be driving me to the hospital so I can get my hangover I.V., then take care of dinner, laundry, and what not, those two…ha-ha I think not, no wait I know not…Nice try my pubescent dweebs…I must run I have to purchase the new wrinkle eraser all the 40 year olds are doing it...

Mamm'ow'gram

So my after school special “Mommy found a lump” continues because it didn’t go away. This is lucky for me because I got to experience my first mammogram. A very kind lady semi molests you into manipulating a part of the body that seems to be resistant to finagling. Then she vices the molded area and takes a picture. This continues on as she maneuvers me into odd positions and I tell her that even a filet mignon dinner wouldn’t get her this much action. Oh and the stickers that are placed just so that once adhered are second skin and removing them are a pleasure. Then onto to ultrasound, that’s easy breezy. Then results time where you get to see your glamour shots and when looking at the ultrasound I ask if that’s my unborn twin because I think I can make out a foot or a toe. You know when you're pregnant and they're showing you the ultrasound pictures and the doctor is like “there’s the nose, see it, right there” and you are like yeah because you don’t want to been seen as non maternal freak, right? Where was I? No I guess it’s not my psychic twin that feeds me supernatural powers, it’s something they are calling debris or tissue but won’t know until they biopsy. In conclusion I have want you call a complex cyst, in telling my mom she said what’s that mean? I said that it’s not easy? And if you know me I like the easy way much better. That’s why fast food was invented correct?

Why yes this is my natural color

My naturally curly locks have been blown straight into what I call my “Charlie’s Angels” do. Where when my locks are coiffed just so, I seem to move in slow motion but turn on a dime at any moment, so that I may swing my silky strands over my shoulder and utter some sexy slow-mo words. Also, perhaps in the middle of a conversation, I may yell out “freeze” and tackle someone because I’ve took an oath to protect and serve. Carrying a wind machine helps too so at all times it looks like I’m shooting a major music video. Daydreaming is also a big part, thinking how I can rescue someone on the beach in the Midwest in wintertime…or when my 4 year old is screaming bloody murder about the melted Hershey kiss that is in his hand that my assistant will be right with him because I’m debating about a rescue involving bungee jumping, because I think that will get me the ultimate hair experience. But through it all I believe I stay grounded I always remember the great Jaclyn Smith quote “Angels are like diamonds. They can't be made, you have to find them. Each one is unique.” Too true to true…

The Big 4 oh my lord...

*Where my gray hairs out number thoughts in my head
*Where my facial features have slowing come to meet my chin, leaving me looking like a sock puppet (now I know who wrote “do your ears hang low?”)
*Where my skin tone is about as vibrant as a newspaper
*To achieve the youthful glow it now involves a stick of butter, the correct lighting, and touch of alcohol for the people I might be chatting with
*Where my “fun size” candy dependence has attached “woeful weight” rolls in places I was unaware of
*Forgetful is now the ninth dwarf…I mean eighth…oh crap I don’t remember
*My son says 40 is the new thirty but now that he has his drivers license his brown nosing is at a new high
I’m sure there is more but I have a brain cramp from exerting all this energy and I still have to go shopping for my mom jeans, hot rollers for my new hairdo, and get to Bingo- I think its my lucky night.

They like me they really like me!

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The new "Michael"

As I sleep in my migraine induced coma, yesterday its 62 degrees then we drop to 40 degrees; my tiny brain can’t take it! Whoops- skip the tiny brain for ginormous genius mind. Anyway I thought how many babies in the upcoming years or longer will be named Barack? Will we have a Barack Smith or Barack Rivera? Or perhaps as generations go by a Barack Bush? I need to send this story idea to CNN or MSNBC since all have been jumping on the “new puppy” story. What kind of breed, what will they name it, who in the family will scoop, open adoption or closed, long haired or short? Blah blah blah

Change

HOPE

Halloween hauntings

So believe it or not but I did not scarf down a surplus of candy Friday night. I thought I would pile in the pizza instead, hopefully preventing the uncontrollable desire for the bite size yummies. Of course this still had the same effect as if I ate the candy, crap is crap. It’s a pleasurable diet plan, gorge and within an hour it will all come out one end or the other. I’m an unintentional bulimic, I’m irritable bowel on steroids, and as tiny gnomes punched my delicate tummy I swore to the heavens (as I do each time) that I will change my eclectic eating habits… and leave better reading materials in the bathroom, it sucks to be stuck in there for hours reading shampoo bottles and toothpaste labels. As I write this all I can think of is Kit Kat’s and peanut M&M’s… what is it they say you forget the pain of child birth and self induced stomach strains (also known as S.I.S.S), whatever gets me through…

Can I fit into my skinny jeans now?

Ironically in Breast Cancer Awareness Month I find a bump, lump, something not belonging to me. Monday I’m at the gyno and Friday I’m in the surgeon’s office. The surgeon says lets ultrasound it and if it’s a cyst will stick in a needle and drain. Set up ultrasound machine, I think I only got one joke in “we better not see hands and legs”, boom to needle and removing the little bugger. It looks like a whole teaspoon was creating my chaos and it was over in a snap. I feel lighter I mean I probably lost…what’s less than an ounce? The doctor said many people are too scared to have things looked (80% are benign) at I’m telling you right now the most painful part is the waiting and removal of the bandage, I think she used a whole roll of tape (I’m pretty sure if I threw my topless body up against the house I’d stick with the residue left behind). Life’s too short, so make Life longer…go to the doctor. God I’m an after school special, “Mommy found a lump”….

2 hours and 15 minutes

Woken up at 6am by 4 year old telling me something, not sure what. He rambled on, I nodded multiple times, then he went back to his room.
6:13am waking my teenager asking if he’s getting up for school, he nodded multiple times
6:22am potty break and a recheck on again sleeping teenager
6:35am can’t doze because sleeping teen still asleep back up to try again.
6:50am finally hear shower start for teen so I close my eyes.
7:02am alarm goes off, hit snooze
7:04am alarm again @#$^, hit snooze
7:15am teenager comes to me to request a ride because he is now going to be late, I begin to speak in another language not of this world but universal to all children…dad gives him a ride
7:19am alarm again…there really is no point to snooze button
7:22am 9year old daughter dresses, I request a combing of hair and ponytail which turns to a murderous cry and I’m making her look bald!
7:40am debating over breakfast choices
7:41am Angry 4 year old wants to plug in electric pencil sharpener and I have not aided him with swiftness (sad I don't even bother to know what he needs with a electric pencil sharpener I just assist)
7:52am I am being critiqued on my sandwich making skills by the 9 year old
7:55am pausing... then checking on both cats with pencil sharpener plugged in and all, good both sleeping
8am now 4 year old wants food that I offered earlier but was pooh-poohed aside due to anger issues from before
8:07am preparing water bottle that is needed for school today for 9 year old that I dropped the ball on by waiting too long to do and I should know that school clocks are two minutes fast and now I’ve ruined everything and so on…
8:15am off to school, but concerned because 4 year old is hiding and screaming don’t look at him…Ahhh and no shower yet.
Signed,
Wrecked

My week

Thou shall not kill... cleaning the fish tank has me breaking this commandment.

Maiden name... much laughter after sharing this information may have me continue down the sinners path, hey I've already killed innocent fishies.

Hoary (hor-ee)... Word of the day, definition- gray or white with age. Ouch maybe I won't touch this...

Heightened alert... four year old takes a poke at me every chance he gets, he'll be the youngest kid ever to attend mammogram school.

Laundry blues... cool weather has brought out the mass quantities of clothing, so begins my accidental weightlifting program, where again I train daily with lifting and stair work.

And finally- Dainty derriere... where I will be getting big bucks from Saving Abel for using my picture without permission. Can't a girl have a couple of cosmos with a guy named Zeus from Tattoo Island without any problemas... YouTube 18 days.

Teenage teachings

“Buck, buck, buck, that’s what T.T says”, (nickname for my oldest given by my youngest). Buck, buck my four year old continues on. T.T’s shower too hot he tells me. Then he asks “what’s balls on bire?” Thank goodness for some speech delays... read Pet Peeves in June ’08.

Typical

My 4 year old is fascinated with boobs and today he said “I just can’t stop thinking about breasts.” His dad will be proud and millions of women can begin to roll their eyes.

Hanging by a thread or web...

Yesterday was perfect weather. My kids and their cousins outside playing, getting along beautifully. They discover some “humongous” spider that they pretty much took turns torturing, I on the other hand was not in the mood to look at the arachnid, basically so I didn’t creep myself out. This though gave me the gung ho’ness to clean up the yard of lost and forgotten toys tools and whatnots. Cousins left and I kept on my mission of pouring water out of, shaking cobwebs off and collecting all lost treasures. But it was when my 4 year old began to point at my back and mumble something in Fat Albert Mush mouth speak, I turn to my nine year old and said “what’s on my back?” This is when she screamed and took off as if Johnny Olson had to her to “Come on down, you’re the next contestant on The Price is Right”. Hands in the air and a shriek that I know brought all the neighbors to their windows or doors, even after she was miles away it continued as she ran in circles. At this point I was a tad bit concerned… he-he… that perhaps the elephantine spider that they were playing with had perhaps latched onto me. And being on my back and not being able to see left me apprehensive…he-he. So I calmly ask my 4 year old to get it off but at this point he was slightly freaked and in awe of his sister so he took off too. Alone. Trying to breathe, like they teach you in Lamaze, talking to myself,”it’s more scared of you” (Oh sure after being crucified by rugrats!), “its probably crawling away as we speak” (yeah right into my hair!), “it’s probably fallen off because of the earth shattering screams” (crap its laying its eggs and staying put for fear of death!) So I pull it together walk to the door and begin calling (screeching) to my 16 year old whose response time to most of my calls is 20 to 30 minutes. Finally in what seems to be slow motion he comes to the door annoyed bothered and pissed that I have beckoned him but this quickly turns to curiosity since my daughter is still a tizzy like in an Abbott and Costello movie. I who at this point have no words left…well words I can't tell in this story, show him my back and he flicks away a small beetle,yes a small beetle (not the Frankenstein of spiders). Now my 4 year old goes to pick it up and asks if we can keep it, it’s so cute. What!!! I have aged 12 years in this incident I’m homicidal and deaf because my daughter is still at it, the energy she has used could probably run a small town. This is the point of the story where Sammy Jo gets slapped (Dynasty), (calm down didn’t do it). Now it’s been 24 hours I guess I’ll let bygones be bygones and let her back in the house….

Call my people...

Now that Michael Phelps is the Gold medal champ it’s time for the endorsements to roll in.
**Drinking to much pool water? Got swimmers toot? GAS-X will insure no more embarrassing water bubbles.
**Michael Phelps has been around the world, our filet o’fish is composed of fish found around the world! Two legendary swimmers coming together at McDonalds.
**Keep that swimmers body smooth and hairless with our new improved vitamin enriched Nair!
This guy will make millions I can see his agent going at it now “Now longer will people ask for a Phillips head screwdriver, from now on it’s the Phelps!” “Who’s MJ, its MP baby!”
Now for poor women’s gymnastics, disastrous, mistakes of epic proportions, one of my faves that’s the best she can do, those commentators have the thesaurus handy at every turn. Basically another tear the girls apart on national TV extravaganza, “Ah how will she face her teammates after that…Put this one on suicide watch tonight I mean really…her coach is whispering in her ear, if this was anywhere else we’d have you put down after you walk off the mat…” I know I’m such a girl, such a non athletic girl, I never had the desire to crush, rip, tear, or smash anyone’s face, leg , or whatever else is on the body. Go gold or go home…

Perfect 10

Its summer Olympics time and I always like the gymnastics. But every time I watch I think the commentators get rougher and rougher on the athletes. Watching team USA tonight it all started with the floor exercise and I’m not sure if they are doing well or not, to me it all looks difficult (I mean you should see me do my “roll” out of bed routine in the morn…total Nadia). All the commentators are saying, let’s see if she can overcome the jitters that they all should feel with the many problems they have… Oh no, foot out of bounds lets hope she can handle the stress at the drive-thru better then she’s held up here. Ouch. Uneven bars- this girl has done this routine a million times… Oh so sad, it always happens on a million and one maybe she’ll stay even tempered as the cashier at the back to school sale at Payless. Here the toughest performance tonight on the balance beam, twist, back flip, Oh… rats’ maybe better luck keeping that checkbook balanced, remember those IHOP tips are taxable, Einstein. Finally the vault if this girl can pull it together long enough maybe she’ll be in medal contention… just dreadful, maybe she could get some character work at Disney World, the crowds go wild when the dwarfs can do a little tumbling. Is this one of those what doesn’t make you cry makes you stronger athlete things? Sticks and stones Just DO it, and all that jazz…

WMD's

Let’s be real, boys will do anything to have some sort of weapon. They will make them out of a peanut butter sandwich, Lego’s, a piece of paper, or even an eyelash, they all turn into mini MacGyver’s but flush a toilet or wash their hands and all you get is a wide eyed Gary Busey stare. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the little terrors would chew off their own arm just to get to the bone which in turn they could stab someone with. Now that’s said let’s talk about their ultimate weapon… penises. Can they keep those little gems to themselves? Nope you could gift wrap them everyday and they are just as surprised. It’s like any top toy, its flexible, it squirts, it can scare off many people in a second, and you can never lose it (minuses the Lorena Bobbitt incidents). Really. And once they turn into men they still continually talk about their sword, rifle, bayonet, whatever, and how lucky we are to have met them and how would we like to go "battle"… or better yet a Star Trek aficionado that wants to set his phaser to stun...Oh I'm stunned alright... Ugh… can you tell I’m a bit on the edge …do they still do lobotomy’s?

Mucho dinero

It has come to my attention that there is money to be made out there and I have a few ideas. Firstly 14 million for baby pictures?! I have many baby pictures and let me say they are adorable. I definitely will not charge much money and I am willing to part with them. I also have thought ok so maybe no one want to see “my” baby pictures how about if I say they’re of some one else… see where I’m going. Now I had dark curly hair I’m thinking I need to jump on the Jonas Brothers wagon, whose gonna know? They all have dark curly hair, I’m in. I know I'm a girl but who will know and they're pretty anyway. Girls will pay to have a one of a kind snapshot from their youth… Cha-ching. Secondly the rumor was going around that they would pay Brett Farve 20 million not to play football, hello I’m right here I’ll stay away for a fraction of that or I could promote football. Perhaps bring the numbers up by having a spokesperson for an untapped moms market. NFL you feel me? You get me some jerseys, some cash, a pimped out Escalade, and I’ll do the rest. Help me help you… See "Jerry Maguire" reference...a sports movie... got a million of 'em...ya'll need me

Where's my emergency ducktape?

So ignoring your 4 year old is not always the best policy... especially when the first thing he says is "that man has a big fat belly". Ignoring was misconstrued for not being able to hear the statement he just made, so now louder and closer to the man with the added pointing (just in case I'm unaware of whom he is speaking about)"see look at his fat belly". Which I reply "bat jelly, nope don't see that let's go look somewhere else"... how about that quick intelligent comeback - *enter groan*

In excellent condition... Thank you very much.

So let’s say you run into someone you haven’t seen for four or five months and they say, “Wow you look really good.” Now add the emphasis on the “wow’ with the face of surprise and the slowing of speech on the “you..look..really..good..” And then before you can digest what they have said they have to run, you know before you can say what the heck was the matter with me months ago!? I’m racking the brain… no weight loss or gain, no new hairdo, no experimental cosmetic procedures, and probably even the same ole bra so the girls haven’t moved… Now being the level headed calm female that I am my first instinct is to hunt this person down shake them until they give up the transformation that I have “apparently” gone through. Why do I care, what in my girl brain gives a hoot? Why do I notice every new freckle (age spot), line (wrinkle), curve (Big Mac bump), and so on. Now people because they are a few of us insanity cases out there perhaps the next time you utter the “wow you look really good” phrase could you follow it up simultaneously with I’ve never seen you in … green, wearing a ring, denim, or July… just pick one, so my wacky butt can sleep …OK?

So my Dad has come and gone without much incidents at all. *Insert Applause.* We had the slight flirting with the check out lady at the grocery store it went something like,"cash back? How can you guys stay in business giving away money"... wink wink. We did lose him in Ikea but that can happen to a lot of people, next time a leash. He also tried to work his way into my neighbors house that is for sale by walking up with a glass of water so he looked harmless. Not telling my neighbor that he's visiting just looking like some weirdo that walks around with a glass of water and a thick Texan accent trying to just "have a peek" inside. Thank goodness that wasn't embarrassing. Watching him cringe at the "testicles in the beach chair" story not because of the story because of the word testicles... classic. Overall it was great I already miss him...

Papa pressure

My dad comes into town tomorrow and I’m already feeling a heighten level of stress. Figuring out where everyone will hang, what to do, and of course knowing my father and his stress level. So I call him to confirm the time he’s flying in and during the conversation he begins to have what sounds like perhaps a heart attack. It starts with a groan and then a “hold on” an “ow” then “let me put the phone down”. While the phone is down he is continually repeating the same noises but now at a distance. I am trying to talk, but his continued pain cries drown me out. Finally I hear “I’m stuck”, I’m yelling in a well? manhole? the seventies? (just joshing). He eventually crawls back to wherever he has dumped the phone and tells me the saga of what has just occurred, he apparently has dropped a “pilla” ( pillow, he’s from Texas) behind the couch and when going to retrieve it, while talking on the phone, got his arm trapped between the couch and wall, and his arm is really red. Okay, I told him I getting him the white haired lady “I fallen and I can’t get up” thingamabob and from now on when on the phone he is to remain stationary. Oh let the good times begin…

Killer, dope, and kewl.

So "all that and a bag of chips" is no longer cool to say because that's what I've been told by my in house correspondent. Which is fine because personally I'm just a bit "all" and a little "that" as for the "chips" sometimes I am family size but just as easily be snack bag size. But I'm must get onto the new thing which may take some low key work because the contributor won't give it up. Because then it would be like uncool again especially when I start using it, I'm like so sure like how could that be like gag me with a spoon, totally. ;)

I'm here representing Barelivia

How did it come to the point this summer that I look like I'm wearing a mens wrestling uniform, sans clothing...and I'm in dire need of some glute and pec work. And with the Olympics only a month away. Desgraciado.

Titles of stories I should write

1.Now that you say it you do look a little uncomfortable
My struggles after an all you can eat buffet.

2.Is that another worm?
A boy and love for the miniature serpents.

3.Summer hair-dos
Does a quarter of an inch really lighten the sweat factor?

4.How many aquatic victims will there be?
Self explanatory

5.I maybe worth it
The debate on how many white tank tops a woman can own.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

Pet peeves

Grandma got the kids a fish tank, its little 3 pounds or gallons. Her reasoning is so my youngest (who’s four) can work on his F words. I said maybe not being able to say F isn’t bad as my teenager loves F words and I don’t think it’s going to help with career advancement or anything. Now the tank is mostly for the two youngest so they picked out two fish each, named them proudly, and 24 hours later one is dead. Now it’s my daughters’ fish and being the #1 drama queen sobs and says the worlds against her. So back to the store and two more tiny swimmers are added to the aquarium. Now 24 hours later one fish is missing… that’s right missing (you should have seen the looks on the neighbors faces as I put up the flyers,Charlie the tuna picture was the best I could do on short notice.)Anyway I think he heard about the other “incident” and evolved right out of the tank, knew we were amateurs and took off. My daughter thinks the worlds against her, and the 4 year old thinks he pulled a Nemo back to ocean with loved ones; of course ocean is a stretch being that we are in the Midwest but his story is the sweetest. And for Grandma he is using his new F words… fatality, fled,... sushi (not F’s but hard S’s)…

TO MY DAD

Walking history lessons

For always carrying around a pen and paper to try to explain what you’re talking about

Forever trying to explain even after we’ve all walked away

Keeping the remote control to the TV close at hand, so none of us get any ideas

Spontaneous golf swinging

Slipping me “mad money”

Sneezing extravagantly to always make us laugh

Watching you drive with your knees to the wheel

Watching you “back seat” drive in the passenger’s seat

Spontaneous pacing

Not only book brilliant but also has a plethora of useless information

Always sharing fruit

The ability to get along in a room full of different people

Constantly “checking in” and giving us updates

Foot rubs

Being able to “rest your eyes” and carry on a semi-understandable conversation

Humbleness

Fortunately or unfortunately seeing myself in you…

Happy Father’s Day

Dated

When arguing with your teenager about being cool and as the parent you are saying, “I was cool too” but at some point in the conversation after you've said, blue eye shadow, Jordache jeans, and high tops you should retreat and go cry in your pillow.

Invisible insects

After studying my sister in the “great” outdoors (her backyard) I have come to the conclusion that she does have a total bug phobia and/or Tourette’s syndrome. Either way, watching her flail and thrash about for something I never did see was precious. I just wish I had powers, possibly to be a bug whisperer (big dreams) so that I could amuse myself at any time.

It's elementary...

So my daughter and I have been playing the “Nancy Drew” mystery computer games. We have successfully solved 3 whodunits and frightfully it’s all been done on the “junior” level, the box says 10 to adult but that’s a Doogy Howser 10 year old (at least that’s how I have been deluding myself). These little buggers are tricky and they all make you read and learn stuff…Ugh…the last story had a horse so we were knee high in horse s*%t… ha-ha I made a funny, and yes I crack myself up because who else will I say? So anyway it had the anatomy of the horse like in the hoof area there’s a thing called a frog? Or what they eat, signs to see if the eaten too much, different types of horses and crap (he-hee) like that. Well like I said these puzzlers are tough so we discovered the website that has hints (yes, junior level and hints, pitiful.) Originally when finding it the message boards had all the hints blacked out and me all calm and cool, how are we ever gonna finish this bleepiditty bleep bleep, I mean really what’s that help blacking out the answers! My daughter quiescently ( I need to use a big word because I’m still sassy!) showed me you just right click and highlight and the answer and it magically shows up…am I surprised that a nine year must guide me…I must go back to the day of the “Where’s Waldo” books where I had a fighting chance...

4 servings a day?

You know you're a great parent when you can hide your “stash” of candy bars in the fruit drawer of the refrigerator and no one has yet to discover it.

The next Larry David?

Sarcasm and 4 years olds don’t mix. Because of my reply each time he's yelled out, “come wipe my butt!”, he instead now yells to me, “come do your favorite thing!” That is so wrong on many levels, unless he is already using the gift of sarcasm … genius perhaps?

Cannot live by test alone!

So in researching this Myers Briggs thingee I thought I’d add who my “perfect match” would be, these are the few names that stood out and I thought thank god for this test so I don’t waste anymore of my life.

1. Fred Rodgers

2. William Shakespeare

Now number 3 and 4 are the best so hold onto to your hats,

3. E.T.

4. My favorite is Helen Keller

So I think I see an obvious pattern which is communication. Mr. Rodgers whom I will never hear over my own booming voice, besides the fact he’s deceased which will also make it tougher. Hark yonder visions art thou, yea that’ll last, a Muppet who will constantly want to “go home” and always pointing at me. And lastly someone who will not hear or see me at all…ouch, what a catch am I.

So I don’t really know how I got on the mate aspect of this thing so I think I’ll turn to the career angle and see what path that leads me on… home economics and bookkeeping…I’m screwed…

Are you "In"competent?

The Myers Briggs personality test…http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp, I recommend taking it and see where you fall. I am an ESFJ, I know most of you think that stands for “extremely sexy female jokester” and… you’d be right but that’s another website for another day. This ESFJ stands for “extraverted sensing feeling judging” which means I’m a hyper-vigilant (paranoid) entertaining (like a car wreck?) control freak (Martha?) that wrestles with “right or wrong”(I’m 4 years old) and gets their feelings hurt easily (big baby). Sad and here are my famous ESFJ’s counterparts… Don Knotts (true and scary), Loni Anderson (really?), and Donald Duck (believe or not, I relate). Now what I found amusing is that you can look into who would be compatible with you…boy the guys got to be frightful, looking for a toddler to fold his towels while dancing and singing all the while worrying about if everyone’s washed their hands but also crying about whether to return the accidentally swiped Band-Aids from the bottom of the shopping cart… wow, I sound hotter than I thought I would. How much would that cost to put on a personal ad?

over-medicated

Last week I got a lovely urinary tract infection, in turn I was prescribed an antibiotic. That same night I started my meds I got a sore throat, but hey I’m on meds no worries. Next night yeast infection crept into my life and then a few days later Aunt Flo came to town. I know I’m writing this all with ease but I assure you I have not slept and I am definitely homicidal. Plus I have placed caution tape all over me like as if I were a condemned building ready to be torn down. Anyway yesterday was the last of my meds and my throat is the worst! So I head back to the doctor. She bolts in starts asking me questions rapid fire then talks about a new regime of 10 day meds, somehow the yeast thing comes up she says don’t treat it till the end of meds cause you’ll just get another one…what!? Oh I forgot to check your ears... no I heard you said don’t treat the yeast…Are You SEriOuS! Were you in the Special Forces? Some high intense training program when they tortured you with the most unthinkably torturous torture ever! How brilliant the government must be, put women on a five dollar antibiotic then wait for the yeast, then send them in…the anger, the cricket quick leg movements because of the need to scratch, the clawing, the unintentional karate skills, these ladies would be WMD’s. Wait… wait for their menstrual cycle to start and double whammy, these would be the Jason Bournes’ but Jessica’s and wow, scary. Now I’ve been rambling for what seems to be hours and she starts to ask about my family history and mental health… crap I’m screwed… I’ll now be writing you on my rationed toilet paper from the “state country club”…ugh…

5-13-08

http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/

If you need any other advice on future articles please call my people...

Favorite emotion

http://www.hulu.com/

Arrested Development
The Office
Or Saturday Night Live's Sean Connery on Jeopardy

For kicks and giggles.
Cause I got nothing.

Misty Winds 4-28-08

Is it my job to teach a boy to pee standing up? (As I am a girl or a woman or a milady…the waitress kept calling me that the other night, no we weren’t in England) This is the dilemma I faced as my 4 year old had to pee so badly that when I asked if he could “hold it” until we got home meant him literally clamping down on it like a vise. So anyway we decided to just pull over and let him pee outside (grandmas and grandpas remain calm). Now he has been trained to pee sitting down… this is after the research I have done with my oldest and knowing you guys can’t aim for squat. Sitting down has a 73% chance of staying within the “boundaries” that are allotted for the average bowl. Now being that I, me, numero uno, is the only one cleaning that area then I am going with the statistics. Ok that said peeing outside was kind of a bust, some went this way, a lot went that way, but very little just went away from him. So this then led to the discussion of who should have shown him how to perform this maneuver. I believe I have clearly stated that I am not “equipped” to teach and so it is not my responsibility. Done. End. Finite. Another person in my household, his title rhymes with “paddy”, constantly proclaims his “equippedness” to anyone who can hear. Perhaps this said person should have taken the tyke out back for some “water gun” training? Um… I win…

Snazzy Seniors

Now that spring has kinda sprung (3 days in the 70's) I must officially ask my Grandma H. (again) to spill the beans on the top secret matching outfits that are popping up all over. We know the ones matching pant, t-shirt, and if you splurge... a vest, and even sometime the bedazzled/appliquéd purse. The ones that have colors even Crayola has yet to invent, with patterns and flowers that are not of this planet. Now my theory is... and you know I'm semi- brilliant, that when a woman reaches a certain plateau, level, maturity, whoamIkidding age, they receive secret entry to the underground of... let's say Sears. Here they must swipe their computer chipped card or perhaps they have some code or password to enter this covert subterranean hangout where the other blue hairs... excuse me... silver foxes are converging on the latest polyester treasure. They must all must sign some highfalutin contract, they probably use the lawyers of "Survivor", so that it won't be exposed on "Inside Edition" or Geraldo (he's still working, correct?) See my grandma won't budge, no hint, nothing so I'm thinking she scared of being sued of her social security. The only thing is I not sure of what age this transformation takes place... and how can I avoid, evade, escape, and bypass this elastic plastic invasion where I don't have the power to match on my own! I'm frightened...

Enviromentally hip

Welcome Earth Day! To do my part I am only eating the green M&M’s, wearing an attractive shade of hunter green eye shadow, only watching shows with eco friendly topics (crossing my fingers that American Idol will have a green theme), sparing squares(t.p. people), and I may even have salad for dinner! Baby steps…

Waiting...

Men you just don’t know what women go through when we go to the gyno’s office.
First lets start by saying it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone you can’t get used to it, so shut it with the prostate check stories. Always it seems that no matter early or late you arrive, you wait and wait in the waiting room for an eternity, which is lovely. So my visit recently wasn’t any different. An hour in the waiting room before I get to go back and “empty my bladder”, take my blood pressure, and get weighed, let the good times begin. Then off to the room where the nurse informs you everything off, robe open to front, sheet to cover, and he’ll be with you in a sec. So immediately you strip in NASCAR time only to waiting for another 40 minutes. This time though I had the pleasure of listening to the conversation the doc was having with another patient because of the paper thin walls. Apparently she (patient) had a “blue cap” stuck in her ya know. This went on forever, “well maybe it’s from my recent hospital stay?” “No” he replies “not that.” On and on she doesn’t know how it got there all the while I’m staring at the clock. Let’s go already and at this point I’m ready to storm over there robe open and scream “tell him were it came from already!” “I’m not double jointed and I don’t have an array of mirrors to help me do it myself!” Anyway this doesn’t happen and we still haven’t concluded where the mysterious “blue cap” has come from…alien abduction, some sort of government experiment, who knows! Finally the knock comes to my door …yea it’s my turn (ugh), let the small awkward chit-chat begin.