11-04-06

I’m writing this as I need a break from cleaning out my fridge. Some of you who know me think I’m just having an anal moment, but you would be wrong. My frickin” fridge quit working last night! It turned all the contents to a savory 68 degrees, yum. That’s right; I’m dumping out every little product, making an unwanted experiment in the sink. Every bit I poured out saddened me, even the ranch dressing from 1999 (although you can’t eat it, it just soothes the soul knowing its there.) What makes matters worse is that my fridge is only a year and a half, and because of this, it’s under a “limited warranty” I can only go to a certain repair place. Luckily for me they can fit me in to their busy schedule on Wednesday…Wednesday? When the lady on the phone told me this I tried to keep my cool saying I wanted to be squeezed in earlier, but nothing. She ends the call by saying is there anything else I can help you with today… “Yes a fridge I need a fridge” she didn’t even find humor in this statement (even in stress I’m funny but no laughter back… makes me cold and impersonal, “tear”.) So now as I’m scrubbing off dried up chocolate sauce (even in this sad form it looks delicious), the doorbell rings. I swear to god (that means in no way shape or form am I joking, just ask my sister) there were two church goers at the door handing out a flyer titled something like the end is near. I nodded and accepted the pamphlet. I walked right back into the kitchen, stopped pissing and moaning and took a shower. Just my luck I now have to go to Wal-Mart and stock up on flashlights and batteries, I’m sure I’ll survive the “end” with the all cockroaches and that would be crappy without light. And to think I was all was all broken up about no refrigerator and losing a couple hundred bucks. What’s “money” going to be at the finale anyway… hopefully it won’t be ice cubes.

10-31-06

Ah Halloween night,
Where no matter how freakishly warm it is the day before, today breaks record lows. Now all princesses and goblins have chattering teeth and are sporting down and mukluks.

Where daylight savings is only 2 days prior, but no one is home at 4:00p.m and at 5:00p.m you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

Where your four year old nephew decides this year he will be very talkative with the “Trick or Treats” and “Thank Yous” but also likes to add on “poo-poo head” and “foo-foo head” (?) to the generous people handing out the candy.

Where if you think you've hidden all the candy after you’ve gotten home, mysteriously half licked and chewed pieces are popping up all over the house(covered in costume lint and cat hair, yum).

Where you think your toddler will pass out instantly because he didn’t nap, but every giggle or noise outside has him running for the door at top speeds.

Where, according to the parents handbook, section 45 paragraph 6, YOU must eat all the candy the kids don’t want to prevent the spitting out and what not’s. (This rule I take very seriously because I really love my kids, so any pain or cramping afterwards I know it’s for the greater good. Also they may want some of this candy but we, as adults as parents as role models are trying to stop the obese society we live in and we must start with the children… I know what you’re thinking but throwing out is wasteful.

Finally where the next morning YOU not your children wake up with a sugar hangover. The only cure… sugar. (I believe that cure is found also in your handbook so I don’t know why I’m telling you this you should already know.)

10-30-06

Friday night was game night with all my girlfriends, and game night is code for pig out night. I took the liberty of studying the 2006 food pyramid guidelines and wanted to alleviate some stress (ladies no worries about those delicate figures) by showing that what we ate fits into these categories perfectly (my interpretation). First grains: We had mass quantities of this area, pumpernickel, beer bread, sesame rods, pretzel crisps, crisp rounds, grahams, and others. You need 6 oz. From this section and I’m sure we topped that, bravo ladies. Second vegetables: 2.5 cups this gets a little trickier but here we go, Spinach dip (hello great veggie), chopped red pepper in the sausage purses (tons of anti- oxidants I’m sure), and that’s really it but I’m almost sure I got to 2 cups of that stuff. Third Fruits: Hello apples and what tastes better than apples, fluff ‘n’ stuff with apples! Also I’m counting pixie sticks; they came in a variety of delicious “fruit” flavors, so I think we are covered there. Then we touch on oils, duh we more than touched that! Fifth is milk :( a mean category for me let me tell you, but that didn’t stop me), Dips, and that’s all I should say there were at least 5 different kinds. Not to forget the variety of delicious cheeses. Finally meats and proteins: well I already mentioned sausage purses and the sesame rods that I mentioned for breads… wrapped in bacon! Killing two birds with one stone, we are the brainier species. I did leave out some keys items (cream puffs and lava cake) but the moral: No pyramid is too high especially if you are trained mountain climbers (code word for eaters).Thank you and good day.

10-27-06

You
I look at you from afar
I cannot reach you
The distance is great
I want to control you
I cannot
It pains me to think of me always reaching for you
You seem broken
You were my best friend
So reliable
Full of stories
You seem broken
You

Maybe poetry should be my escape now that my TV controller is missing again…

This was an email I sent to my husband at work. I wanted him to be with me through my sadness, but he immediately thought it was about him. It’s about the TV. I thought I’d put into word a poem for him.


Selfish
Worried about you
No feelings for others
Sitting alone in a dark room
No ambient light coming from my TV
Alone
All about you
What about me
Missing a piece
Alone
Selfish

While he’s at work trying to provide for our family (I’m just here to raising the children of our future!), I’m trapped here without any connection to the outside world (at this very moment a tear is running down my cheek.) My favorite song lyrics come to mind… “What about me, it isn’t fair
I’ve had enough now I want my share
Can’t you see I wanna live
But you just take more that you give”

This is a fave of my sister and me. I am saddened that I’m not even sure who sings it (again another tear). Can this day get any worse?

10-25-06

Ever been to a “Costco” (bulk ‘r’ us), I have not had the pleasure until yesterday. My sister has one of these memberships that you need to get into the exclusive facility. If you’ve never been it is quite a sight. You could purchase a 9 ft. pre- lighted Christmas tree, or perhaps a flat screen TV for $1799.00 or you may just be running in to get that nutcracker arbor that you missed out on last year, or finally maybe just picking up that mass supply of teriyaki beef jerky that you crave ever so often. So you can see the confusion sets in immediately. I don’t want to pass up some deal of the century or miss out on getting the 30 packs of gum, because you never know when you’ll get stinky breath and with 30 packs, I could almost guarantee that you would not catch me with halitosis. So after you take all that into consideration I thought I would share what I did pick up at Costco with you. Let me preface by saying that I am not pregnant (but I’m still loopy)… A 3lb. 4oz. bag of plain M&M’s, a 2.5 quart jar of pickles (spears), a 5lb. 4oz. tub of animal crackers, laundry detergent, fabric softener, a ginormous bag of pretzel crisps, a carton of Nabisco items (Oreos to Ritz bits), 3 pot roasts, Christmas cards, and finally a case of Capri sun juice(variety of flavors). What can I say, I’m eclectic. What I really needed was vegetable oil but all it came in was an 8 gallon jug, and I didn’t want my husband getting his hopes up for some recreation of some strip club thing he saw in the 80’s.

10-24-06

Let me just start this story by saying that our downstairs bathroom is torn up (unusable) and my 14 year old had a friend staying over. SO at 5:00 a.m. Saturday morning when my 14 year old stampeded into the hall bath and began to heave into the bathroom sink, two things ran through my mind. First thank god he made it into the bathroom and second… Gross! (See how I care if their sick, just where they get sick). I don’t want to get sidetrack but at this point I would like to say I have no idea why he threw up, everyone I tell this story to asks me “why did he throw up?” Um… huh? How am I suppose to know, he licked a garbage can lid on a dare, he’s training for the vomit Olympics, he was attacked by small gremlins in his sleep that pummeled at his stomach, I don’t know. Anyway I kicked my husband to go help him (the reason for this, 97% me cleans vomit to the 3% he contributes.) Okay he gets into the bathroom and my even my husband (who says he doesn’t care where the kids vomit…3% people) was like, Eww. At that point I say well clean it up (remember we have a guest and people need the sink and I don’t want to start mass puking as the others wander in there and smell it.) My thoughtful husband, the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with says… “You can get it in the morning”… Huh? What? Pinch me I’m dreaming right? He said “YOU” … I think I may have to open a can of whoop ass! This story is getting a bit too long let’s just end it by saying “How was your dinner, honey, not too spicy?”

10-16-06

Here’s a sport men could do, you’re on your hands and knees washing the floor and at any moment someone (preferably a 26 lb. toddler with a screwdriver) could attack you. The goal is to finish the floor (changing the nasty bucket water at least once and you can’t use the kitchen sink) and have no tears or bloodshed throughout the process. Another sport idea, folding laundry while a projectile keeps tackling you (again lets use a 26 lb. toddler). The goal is to fold the laundry correctly (no inside out stuff) and put it in the correct places (I know it all looks alike but take the extra minute to decide if the woman of the house could fit into the Dora the Explorer panties.) You may also go for the extra points by keeping a newly curious inhabitant out of the garbage (once again 26 lb. toddler will suffice). It may contain last nights French fry and this creature is dumfounded why we would let this hairy goodness go, and just may eat it if you’re not on your toes. Good Luck!

10-13-06

My daughter and my toddler both could pronounce one word pretty flawlessly… chocolate. I try to say it’s not me but of course it is I who is sneaking Breyer’s with Hershey’s Shell topping each night. I’m like a drinker who has one or two at night after a rough day just to function. Oh and I’ve been caught, sneaking my dark (really milk is my fave) little secret. My toddler will wake up and come downstairs, get right on my lap, put his nose to mine and say “smell?” Then he will take in a big whiff and look at me with the “I caught you look”, and grin and say “chocolate.” I will deny like any addict would but they know (the old joke is, how can you tell an addicts lying? ... their lips are moving. In my case they also have a special candy coating stuck in their teeth.). We adults think we are so clever. I now know that this illness can be passed on through my genes (denial again…it’s poor parenting skills). Taking my daughter to the doctor stresses her out ever since she was little. So brilliant parent I am I have her popping M&M’s the entire visit. I said to the doctor she will need some sort of therapy because I can add, stress + chocolate = disorder. Or when she was potty training, she would receive five M&M’s for using the bathroom, candy + toilet = is what is going to happen to your stomach. And still the way I talk my kids out of any of the goodies they find just to keep them for myself, “Um how bout I just drive you to the toy store” or “Here take this $20 you can get a lot more with this.” I am nuts. I even went online to see if they had a support group. One website reeled me in with the AA credo, “Hi, my name is” but you click on there site and there are recipes for Brownie Mix Rocky Road Bars and Black and White cookies! I guess I’m bringing this up because of a certain holiday approaching where my sickness hits high gear. My lying shines through with my greatest fabrication… “Ew, no, don’t eat that you don’t like that.” Damn you All Hallows Eve!!

10-12-06

Do I tell my oldest son that…

A. I took the liberty of washing all his bedding because athletes and teenagers need fresh linens to concentrate?

B. Tell him I accidentally locked the cat in his room and she took the liberty of doing something to his bedding.

C. Wash, remake it, and pray.

I’m screwed!

My husband just called, he recommends first C, and then wait a day or two, then B.

My other idea…
Buy him off with gifts, because with monetary items there is forgiveness (Kobe is a good example and he did something worse than the kitty)…

10-12-06

Three of my favorite shows:

1. The Office- any time Steve Carell says “That’s what she said” I laugh. And Dwight can we just hang out? I find you witty… in a serial killer sort of way.

2. Lost- but at this time I may be more confused than normal (if that is at all possible). Is one side of the island a Club Med? Also keep Sawyer dirty, please no shower for him! And then send him to my house to do some yard work, where we will reenact last night’s scene. (To my hubby… he really did some fabulous landscaping and there’s no need for him to clean up to come over hereJ.)

3. Project Runway- Auf Wiedersehen. I can’t help its just like my home life; the deadlines, the pressure, bickering, cleaning up, people judging you, and hot models (did I mention I was 5’11 ½” with a 26 waist? Ha-ha).