No, I just developed this twitch...

Ants.

No matter what you do they pop up in your house. I finally conquer them by the back door only to find them moved on to the kitchen. I attack again and again I foolishly think I’ve won this war. Now it’s Saturday morning and I’m in deep sleep and my 8 year old is poking me saying “Ants they are appearing everywhere, get up, get up.” Crap. I head down to the kitchen and sure enough there they are carrying every minuscule crumb to their lair. Crap. I begin my crazed attack of a deep clean and the ultimate stare down. The stare down is when you begin focusing so hard that your eyes glaze over, water and turn red (also you may begin to drool slightly because of the deep meditative state you enter).
This is an imperative procedure because the little germies do just appear even when you think you see them all. As I watch things appear, no ants just small dust particles and whatnots, again I think I’ve kick their butt, I sigh and smile only to my frightened children.

With my insane asylum look I think waking up to scrub, clean, and kill…. I don’t look half bad.

07-08-07

Eating a bowl of ice cream with cool whip… $1.25

Laying in bed watching a movie …. $3.45

Falling asleep with a toddler in your arms… free

Waking to go to the bathroom at midnight…free

Checking on all your children as they sleep…free

While checking on teenage son finding out one of his friends is over, and your in your ratty bra- less t-shirt and underwear with “Clan of the Cave Bear” hair and dried drool on your face and the only thing you can muster to say is "oogafilt"?…. #@&*(&^ priceless.

07-01-07

Have you ever come home from work slipped on some drawstring pants with ease then head to the kitchen to eat yourself sick… Only to find out that just as you need to go to the bathroom “this instant” and brilliant you has put your pants on backwards? And there’re in a knot? And won’t slip off with “ease”? A knot that only a contortionist and a person with a Linda Blair head from “the exorcist” can undo? ... me either… just asking…

6-25-07

I would like to summarize our summer vacation…

Are we there yet?

I want to go home.

Don’t touch that!

Don’t put that in your mouth!

I’m hot.

I’m hungry.

Did you lock the car?

You’re going the wrong way.

There’s the Caribe Royale.

Google sun poisoning.

How much?!?!

Don’t put that in your mouth!

Do you think a doctor should look at that?

I think I’m peeing sand.

Arby’s or Hardee’s?

Motrin or Tylenol?

We need a Wal-mart.

I’m hot.

Please go to sleep.

Have you seen my…(fill in the blank)?

Did you lock the car?

Hold my hand!

I’m confused.

It’s only $1.97.

This is not our stroller.

How much?!!!

Not in your nose!

It itches!

This is not our stroller.

I’m hungry.

There’s the Caribe Royale…again.

You’re shedding…

He’s hitting me!

She’s hitting me!

Stop!

I’m hot.

Rub this on.

I’m hungry.

Did you lock the car?

Remember this is only a summary … times this by 9 to get the real feel…

Who's the Boss?

Warning signs your three year old is going to have a meltdown…Or your guide to what’s happening today… tomorrow… and unfortunately the day after that…

1. He or she will probably start with the classic fist clenching and breathing like a WWF wrestler.
2. He or she may start to shouting that you are a poo-poo or the house is a poo-poo or the whole everything is a poo-poo.
3. At this point he or she grabs whatever item is closes to him or her…ex. Shoe, toy, cat…
4. Before he or she actually throws weapon of chose he or she may start spinning in circles… you may think it’s just their head but fear not it’s their whole body going at warp speeds.
5. I hope you know that the weapon they’ve been clenching on is coming at you and when anger strikes their accuracy is very… well accurate…Beware! (and if it’s the cat, she’s pissed, and she’s been spun in circles so the first object she lands on… not good.)
6. Banshee like screaming will be echoing through the entire house…and or neighborhood.
7. At this stage I’ve hoped you’ve taken cover… It can go on for two minutes or hours…hide with a book.

Warning temper tantrums maybe cause by asking if their thirsty, wiping a smudge of their face, not putting enough ice cream in their bowl, a casual smile, or just waking up…

Meddling Moppet

My seven year old daughter has just watched “Harriet the Spy”. Because of this my senses must be heightened at all times. Last night as I lie in bed, my oldest son was out , my three year old asleep, and my daughter is in her room quiet as mouse, the only sounds you could hear are coming from my T.V. but even they are at a minimum because I have it on closed captioning. So I’m basically in a media coma and out of my peripheral vision I see a shadow come slowly up on the other side of the bed… I yelp (really yelp, gasp loudly is that yelping?). It’s my daughter; she must have dragged herself with warlike precision into the bedroom without my knowledge (duh). I ask her, as I check the bed for any wetness due the “blank” being scared out of me, what she is doing, she said she is working on her spy skills and she needs a lot of practice, so can I just get back to watching T.V. so she can work. “What?” I am in bed wanting to be in a zombie like trance and now I am being stalked? Yes. As I lull back into it I hear a normally insignificant noise… and she’s right next to me on the floor. I suggest sleeping at this point, she is not happy I am ruining her spy skill training! She storms off. At some point I fell asleep unaware if she was over me counting every freckle (better sounding than age spots). Now as sit at the computer writing this story… something makes me glance to the left, and there she is hiding hunkered down with her sunglasses on and a pad and pencil in her hand… the words she has written in her spy notebook are, “why is mom always on the computer”… Ohhh she’s good…

to play dumb or not to play dumb

Kids scream. When it’s your first and only one you run each and every time. When you’ve got more than one, you pause, yell “what’s going on”, and then react accordingly to the problem. Maybe you won’t run off if let’s say the comment back is “he farted and it’s gross”, not a life- threatening incident. Although the scream is the same for the severed arm or he’s looking at me. I’m talking about my daughter of course, the one who just this morning was screaming that gray is not a color. Now last night my daughter and my youngest were watching a movie and I heard some screaming and even though I could have just yelled up I decided to actually get off my keister and look (I know mom of the year). I get upstairs and to my surprise they are both quiet but as I look at my daughter I can see she’s got a small scratch by her eye that is slightly bleeding. I have deduced with my keen Nancy Drew skills that my youngest has grabbed her and dug in. So I say “look at you sister you’ve hurt her”, my daughter looks at me with a surprised look “he has?” I again say to my toddler “she’s bleeding; it’s not nice to hurt people”. My daughter looks really puzzled, “I am?” At that point she (slow-mo) reaches up to touch by her eye, feels the small wound, and… screams! “It hurts so much!” Now I have realized that I should have kept my mouth shut. Is the saying “out of sight out of mind”… I should have stayed out of sight so I wouldn’t go out of my mind…my little drama queen.

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day… where once again I’ve eaten things I’m not sure why were created in the first place. I mean this time of year you can find almost anything covered in chocolate (and we eat away unknowingly on what could be “who knows” but cover it in milk chocolate)…and as the saying goes, I believe, “eat now asks questions later”, it should be eat now pray later, Hey *IDEA*... chocolate covered Imodium! Killing two birds with one stone…

2-7-07

Oprah, I like you. You do a lot of charitable work; I’m with you most of the time but then all of the sudden you’ll say something that reminds me of how much money you really have. An example from a previous show is; the time you said you like fresh sheets every two days, and I agree I’d like fresh sheets every two days also but it would be I, me, and moi, who would have to do the job (maybe I’m making an assumption but I think you have a little household help… just going out on a limb with that guess). Yesterday’s show she had John Travolta on and he talked about getting her a car for her birthday (a Bentley, not used either I'm sure) because she gave cars to the whole audience… (again going out on a limb…I believe Pontiac or whoever paid for them and the audience still had to pay taxes). He asked if she still drives it, whenever she can she replies (I maybe misquoting but you get the gist). Then Tim Allen who basically has only a fraction of Oprah dollars said he almost bought a car he forgot he already had… the laughter was deafening. Can you imagine buying two of the same cars? … Hilarious! It’s very similar to the time I went to the store and bought some pickles… you know where I’m going… I already had some at home! Stop I can almost hear the chuckles… Oprah, Tim, or Mr. Travolta, my car is in the shop, maybe you’d like to loan out some wheels so I can get to work so I can pay to get my car out of the shop? Mmmm… just a loaner, I’ll give it back. Tomorrows show is the “secret” to wealth, happiness, spiritual peace, and whatnot. I’ll watch Oprah but please talk to the average person…please don’t tell us we need to have a rock from the planet Venus, a Cadillac Escalade, Maya Angelou on speed dial, and the ability to go back in time. We will all come up short and you’ll put another mile between yourself and the audience.

Pre-pre-teen

So have you ever had an argument that went on for 30 minutes? Probably right? But was the arguing over the intense problem of 6-4…that’s right, six takeaway four. My daughter wants to fight with you, if you don’t believe the answer is 3. She storms in here everyday after school, she’s 7, and because she used up all her “sweet” at school I’m immediately her chew toy. She will disagree with me at any turn, just to argue. “How was you’re day” is pretty much a safe starting ground and even for two minutes she’ll ramble on about her second grade adventures, but then as if someone hit a switch (the name of the switch… rhymes with switch). Her eyes start to squint, her teeny little nose begins to flair, and then you’ll hear a small growling…Screams. “What smells!”… “Amber says Cody’s cuter than Zach, that’s not true!”… “Whose breathing!” And then yesterday during homework, “6-4 is 3!” This went on and on. If she and I were just talking maybe we could have a sane discussion but she was banshee yelling, tears were flowing, arms were flailing, and my mind was cracking. I did everything to act sane… showing six items then taking away 4 , which of course left 2, I’d pleasantly ask her how many were left… she would sigh, look at me, grit her teeth and smile (like Charles Manson) and say 3. There were moments I thought my calculations were off , I only got to pre-algebra at school maybe I’m wrong, I’m in debt so obviously I can’t balance a checkbook maybe she was on to something. I also had a moment that I thought just walk away but my mature side took over and said “get her!” Literally at one moment I grabbed her across the counter like in the movies and said…ominously “TWO!” I left at that point went to run an errand and left her with her big brother, I believe that saved her life. She will never know how close she was. I am probably still holding some resentment from the “Target bathroom, no toilet paper incident” but that’s for another time… and my lawyer’s are still working on the temporary insanity issue, all that legal mumbo jumbo…

Happy?... Always...

Warning: The following contains gross out material not suited for… probably just my father, but maybe there are others like him.

So it’s that time of the month… you know where I’m going so stop reading now, save yourself. Of course everyone in this family probably knows, I mean spaghetti with a M&M sauce and a Motrin chaser gives it away each and every time (plus the bugged out eyes and twitches, also a give away). Anyway what I’m getting at is the monthly necessity needed, which for me is Always, has this new saying on each and every little thingamabob. It says “Have a Happy Period”… what? Happy? Firstly this must be a man’s brilliant campaign idea… a man who has obviously never seen Stephen King’s Carrie, *hint…she was far from happy. Happy, what does that mean, birds and whistling? Am I the only one who suffers from an iron deficiency, sudden weight gain (sumo weight gain is what I should say), a headache that starts at the end of your hair and goes to your toes, and a need to strangle living things (especially the man sleeping next to you)… is that happy? Let’s be real Always the little saying on your packaging should say “Homicide is a crime punishable by death, so let’s be careful out there”…. I will send you my bill… you’re welcome…