Pass the ketchup please...

Yesterday I walked into a spider web, no ordinary web because it didn’t break because it was fully intact after I sling shot backwards from fear. I was hee-bee-gee-beeing it all over the place . Up and down hand motions as if I was trying out for the community “Flashdance” theater group (not sure if “my” community has one but wanted to sound like I was into the “arts”.) Oh and I’m at work so some came to my aid (thank you I am in your debt) and other laughed hysterically (I know where you all sleep!) But this happening prompted the debate would you eat a spider for a million dollars? Yes I would. Well my biggest fan in this discussion was a 10 year old so he kept upping the ante “would you eat four buns with spider eggs for one billion five hundred dollars?” (I enjoyed that he added the extra $500 because its all about the benji’s - my slang is so up to date). Yep. I mean really, writer use’s best impression of Dr. Evil, “ONE BILLION DOLLARS *insert diabolical laugh*". I mean basically unless I could die, and yes he suggests poisonous snakes in a closet, I’d do it. Which brings me back to the beginning were I wouldn’t want a spider on me or a hair in my food for that matter but add funds and I’m game…greedy…but I could own all the M&M’s in the world *insert evil laugh* …

Am I going to the ball?

So my floor is clean. But I look like I was in a marathon/tornado. So I got my pajama pants, flimsy t-shirt and I just Cinderella'd the floor. Coin slot scrubbing although I did not make a dime. The humidity in the house had rose to a balmy 231% so now I have an odor that would shut down a train station and Tawny Kitaen hair that I don't know if I ever be able to talk it back down. But the floor is clean.

Those are love handles

I was planning on walking right past the Entenmanns Soft’ee doughnuts at the grocery store today. But as I went by, perhaps a wee bit too slow, I slightly turned to look. So of course I saw the sign “Buy one get one free”. Well that would be pure stupidity to pass that by I mean what are the chances of winning the lottery…slim to none so I had to reward myself with some sort of prize. I get up to the register and the cashier says “Oh I have to get those too” this reaffirmed my decision, I am so wise. She said but there are only three people in her family I reassured her and said that’s eight each you can only hope someone fills up sooner and you can get more. She tried to tell me that it’s too many I said I was confused by her statement and I believe my math is accurate. Then she started saying maybe she’ll give some to her parents and so forth, at that point I new she had lost her mind…sharing donuts! I had to eat some in the car just to calm down…

It's a bird, it's a plane...

My week has been full of aliens and superheroes. We have seen Race to Witch Mountain, Bolt, and Monsters vs. Aliens. So when Ben 10 was on last night and I was trying to doze off with a nine year old and a five year old sharing my bed, whispering about super powers was the main topic. I decided to pop up to share mine. First I wowed them with the I can make water come from my eyes and proceeded to put on my best Meryl Streep a “dingo ate my baby” face, you could tell they were speechless. Next I shared how these, pointing to my fingers, can pick up small and average size objects with ease and before they could respond I headed to the limbs underneath my torso can move me from one area to another. Then I awed them with what my kryptonite is…Burger King onion rings! I can paralyze myself and knock out small insects with one gas bubble. They stared at me then my youngest spoke first “but you can’t fly” and my nine year old followed up with the eye roll and said “wow and poop can come out your butt”. I am raising the next generation people.

Land the "effing" plane

So in honor of my kin in Texas here’s a story that may or may not be some form of the truth.
Do not ever loan Vicky Barnes $500. Because Tanya Martin did and you know Tanya she’s the daughter of Estelle and Elonzo over in Dry Rock well they’ve both passed but you know that they had the three kids Frank, LB, and Tanya. Frank the oldest married that Mabel Turner the one who wears all that jewelry that now she has the back problems. Well she went to that specialist in Dust Plains and he told her to quit wearing all that jewelry and she said she rather die. She says what would the ladies think over at the Broadway Church? Also they have that son LB, who paces so much he has worn the floor down so bad that they had to have Herb Dimmel come and pour concrete in their house to re-even out their floors. Anyway oh and wait LB’s kids are a loopy too their oldest C.C has been detained by police four times for trying to walk up the drive- thru at the Sonic over on Indiana because she just loves their Rt. 44 diet coke with lime. Oh and their other daughter Lynn who runs around town with her hair wet like she doesn’t have time to fix it, what does she do? Nothin’ as far as I can tell. So Estelle and Elonzo’s youngest Tanya has those three kids which I think one makes ice (can you make a livin' from that?), the other does hair…why she can’t help her cousin is beyond me, and the other just had a baby she named Elvis, I mean really Elvis what are people thinkin’ these days. So Tanya loans Vicky Barnes, Vicky’s the one that married to that Yankee that works with computers or at Best Buy or somethin’, anyway she gives her $500 and she had to give her six twenties, four tens, and the rest in singles and fives because she just doesn’t have that layin‘ around. And Vicky goes and uses it to get one of them consultations from that fancy plastic surgeon over in Sandy Creek for a butt lift, a butt lift I mean really. Well you know she’ll never get that money back I mean really…

My Grandma Opal

Always having Juicy Fruit or the small Lifesaver rolls you get from the bank in her purse.

Smelling the best and having the softest hands of anyone I ever met.

Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, tacos, and waffles (not necessarily eaten together).

Buying me Dr. Pepper in the glass bottles and the sugar cereal my mom wouldn’t by me.

Cleaning up after me all the time, even after I used shaving gel on a roach (yes to suffocate it, they're icky)then scooped him into a shoebox and put it in the bathroom.

Never letting my plate get empty while eating.

Listening to all your stories and how knowledgeable you are with sports, like even knowing where each player grew up and whose lawn they cut.

For listening to my scary organ playing concerts.

Every time you talk to me making me feel that I’m the most special granddaughter ever.

Worrying about my hair-do…grandma its naturally curly it has a mind of its own.

Getting to hang out with you and Grandpa in Texas… and being a wee bit spoiled.

Love you…

One giant step for mankind

Yesterday I had to do my check up with the gynee, which is slang for gynecologist (keeping you all informed). So I was kinda stressing it because it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been there or kids you have I still turn into a jumping spider. So I’m in there prepped and having the obligatory chit chat, is this paint color new, vanilla wafers are delicious and so on. Well somehow he brought up that I need a new exam in a certain area and “boom” he was already there. Now I failed to mention that I have laryngitis which causes only every other word to be clear. So the conversation was something like “wait don’t go there my god why” but of course all that came from my voice was “wait go there god”. Yeah not good plus the whole thing seemed to last a lifetime. He laughed it off and I learned I knew all the words to “Hello Dolly” and I'd never go spelunking (caving). As I left the office I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home, shower away the sin, and cry in a corner or go straight to the police station to press charges.

P.S. after telling my sister she tells me she asked a nurse and that is a normal procedure, thanks sis I wasn’t even thinking he was doing it for thrills. It’s a wonder I slept at all last night.

Just a thought

So have you ever got a leg cramp in the middle of the night where basically you just scream out but can’t do a thing. Then somehow in your frantic state you want it chopped off but if that happened you need some sort of replacement and those fancy titanium ones probably cost a good quarter mil. So you’d have to get a peg leg but then you’d need someone that whittles and who does that anymore? The only person I can think of is Geppetto and he’s got to be in his hundreds by now so he seems out of the question. If you did get the wood leg everybody would be so concerned for you but when they found you just had a late night leg cramp you’d look like a wimpy idiot. Does anyone want to change brains with me for a day so I can rest?

Connection

Today I was reading Deepak Chopra's seven brides for seven brothers or recipe for seven layer salad, something like that, anyway I was going to start practicing his suggestions and I was going to work on my acceptance- this moment is how it should be, responsibility- every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and defenselessness- relinquish the need to defend my point of view. My intentions were good and I was geared up, although reading it in the dentists office while waiting for my teenage son may have been an error. Basically when he came out with the news of two cavities and wisdom teeth removal, I knew I should hide. As we got into the car I heard the spilling of cuss words and stupid this and that. I was proud of myself I accepted the moment, then smacked him in his head. Next my 4 year old, who I have accepted is sick wanted me to stand next to him while he watched TV and cried. I took the responsibility and got in the car and drove far away. Finally my 9 year old arrived home from school complaining about Friday homework and how it was going to kill her. I accepted her anger and as she went into homework cardiac arrest I felt defenseless and let her crossover. Thank you Deepak I am really getting a grasp on this spiritual thing.

9 lives

I think I mentioned before that one of my daughters’ wishes for Christmas was that our cat would go to the vet. The cat has had tumor on her foot that perhaps I have been neglecting- (simmer down PETA) but she was acting the same and I knew it would be costly. Well it could be ignored no more because the other night it began to bleed. So my husband had to take her to emergency care. I kind of thought he left with the understanding that we have exhausted many funds in the past with this animal. So with a mafia nod he headed out. He called within an hour and the vet and he were “working the numbers”… he's negotiating? He called back again and after a handshake the bare bones operation was underway, head conk and child safety scissors (simmer down ASPCA). Firstly I sent him to do the dirty work because I couldn’t…duh. But he didn’t want to upset the kids so this is why he made this decision. Of course I told them no birthday presents for a year (simmer down DCFS). The plan was the vet would operate immediately (in the middle of the night) and then we would pick up the cat right when he was finished, so at 2 am the call came and my husband was off top pick up the cat, and he arrived home with cone head kitty. Now did I mention that we have another cat and because tumor cat was at the vet and now doesn’t smell like herself, sister cat doesn’t recognize even after their 14 year involvement so words were exchanged. Wouldn’t it be something to leave for a few hours and then not recall someone you’ve spent a years with? Yea I know that would be the bomb! (simmer down CML, Center for Memory Loss) Ok so now we had to lock her in the bathroom where in a matter of hours she had removed her protective cone, so back to the vet. When I arrived I said to the staff, “staples or super glue”, joking simmer down. The tech gets it right back on and we were back home where at this point she is royally freaked and proceeds to try and dive under the bed but because she didn’t factor in her new head width she ends up catching herself with the “dog at then end of the chain” move … and even today after a few days she catches her funnel on everything, and you should see her try and eat… pitiful… I need to get a do not resuscitate order, relax NRL.

Furturistic ideas

My washer and dryer are now hooked up computerly (that’s a Gates approved word) so they can communicate with each other. It sends the info from one to the other knowing for instance that I just did a load of whites. But I tend to disagree with the decision it makes 82% of the time. It makes me wait while it calculates, relays or whatever then I shake my head and sigh “like that’s gonna work”… do you think it hears me and will try and destroy me or my laundry… Did anyone else think when we were younger that we would have flying cars and robots by now? I never thought we would be carrying around transmitting contraptions (a.k.a cell phones) that could fit in our pockets. They can vibrate (hello), sing, and ring, send stuff, take my blood pressure, find my location, keep my appointments, but I was still kind of hoping that I would have my own robot do my laundry not go blind by typing in words to a phone. Who’s with me?

16 Random Things about Moi

1. My kids are the funniest people I know.
2. I wish I was lactose tolerant, so many Dairy Queens
3. M&M should make an M&M with an M&M inside- I like M&M's
4. I wish I ate better, exercised more, and was athletic...
5. I crack myself up
6. I know I missed my calling to be a regular on SNL
7. People say I'm blunt...grandma that fuchsia polyester suit does age you at least 10 years
8. I say moron and shit at least 4-5 times a day at work
9. I'm still waiting for my Hogwarts letter
10. Fight Club Brad Pitt is hands down the best Brad Pitt otherwise I really don't have a
thing for Brad Pitt
11. I’m a touch OCD
12. I wish I would stay in touch with my friends better
13. I never have any money
14. I like dogs just because I don't want to French kiss your dog doesn't mean I don't like them
15. I like to be weighed in kilograms
16. My hair acts like its always auditioning for a Whitesnake video

Clouds and Angels or Fire and Brimstone?

The topic came up of can you name the seven deadly sins of course I reply sneezy, bashful, dopey, whatever. But I started thinking am I an offender of the infamous list?

Lust- I'm going to Dr. Seuss this, Lust, rust, bust, dust- Oh How I must dust the rusty bust, people my Dad reads this so next...

Gluttony- excessive desire for food, withholding from the needy. We all know I love the
food and I am employed by a homeless shelter and I have a lot of control, bah ha ha- does that sound evil enough?

Greed- How I wish this one applied to me for then I would have someone transpire my words because of my wealth, typing would be beneath me. I’m as close to greedy as Charles Manson is to freedom… I think that makes since?...

Sloth- I think this is my big offender, mommy’s just going to rest her eyes a minute, Jewel Quest 2 (dang computer game), DVR, pajama pants (why must we wear anything else), fast food… I’m depressing myself.

Wrath- murder, assault, genocide, nope not that I’ve been convicted for…bah ha ha.

Envy- Yes I resent people with a lot of dough, I’m a hater, and I’m getting closer to hell with every word.

Pride- crap I pluck my eyebrows, shower, wear make-up, ugh I’m vain! But this helps a little with the sloth part because I’m not totally lazy if I do these other things, right?

Thanks for the mammaries...

My sister came to my work last night to help out. We are five years apart and it’s always funny to me that even though I don’t think we look much alike our voices and mannerisms I guess are the same. The ladies that I work with all just stared at us and were really totally freaked. “It’s like there are two of you” or “I hear an echo”, or many just were silent. We told the story of our basement growing up, how all our clothes were always downstairs by the washer. I’m not even sure who did laundry because my mom worked all the time but nevertheless the clothes never made it back upstairs to our rooms. So every morning before school we would have to go down and get our clothes (strict dress code at school: All must wear clothes). But because the basement freaked us out we would scream all the way down and all the way back up, because I guess if we weren’t screaming then you knew to send help, wise ones we are- that’s Yoda speech I love using it because the kids are digging Star Wars right now. You to can impress your friends or family by speaking this way, just take a regular sentence and say the back half first and the first half last such as “Your own butt please wipe” or “Grounded you are”. Anyway distracted I am so back to the story. So when coming back upstairs neither one of us wanted to be the last one in the basement so we would literally crawl (me) over one another on the stairs setting aside all risk for injuries to reach the top first. Don’t really know the point of this tale but I guess it’s not another mammary feature…

Still there...

Little did I know that this once deletable picture would be so profound. Before I would have said there was a bug on the table I must have been glancing down. Now the the caption would read "Hello girls what are your plans today, a swim? lounging? Perhaps a breast exam?"

Oncologist 1:10pm

Too much paperwork is how all doctors’ appointments begin. But long story short Doc comes in with a little calculator…what’s my risk breast calculator. She explains that after entering in all calculations and you are above the 1.7 mark there is a drug regimen you go on, pill a day for 5 years, if not then no extra treatment at this time. At that point I knew in my heart that I wasn’t going to hit that mark and… I got a 1.5 (whew). She then explained that statistically 1 out of 8 women get breast cancer (obviously higher if you have other risks such as family history). That means about 12.5%, my risk with my background is 20% and I thought that ain’t that bad (for my age range I have a 30.3% chance of dying from accidental poisoning-how about that?). When you have what I have an “atypical” reading it means that all cancers start “atypical” but not all “atypical” turn to cancer. So I was happy I didn’t even have to break out my questions and I felt complete with the answers given but then I turned to my husband and “gave him the anything you want to add” look and suddenly in slow mo he said …"what about diet and exercise"…she’s a doctor for crying out loud like she’s going to deter that kind of behavior, crap, crap, crap… the door must get to the door, car keys, go, go, go...

Metallic Blue Eyeshadow

The 80’s came up in conversation and to tell you the truth I didn’t care for them much but I took some time to reflect and now I come up with things that I did like.

1. Brooke Shields eyebrows why can’t that be back in, all this tweezing and plucking can make a girl go blind.
2. Feathered hair because I think my arms were in the best shape of their lives, it was one heck of a workout.
3. Leg warmers, they do more than pants do alone.
4. T.V., simpler times what did we have 5-6 channels? Now with 7,214 channels I can’t find a darn thing to watch.(maybe more a late 70’s thing)
5. I seemed to have more money…Oh that’s because I lived with my mom.
6. Boones Farm cost around a buck now it’s like $3, inflation is killing my buzz.
7. Video games were so much easier…Pac-man, centipede, Mario

The biggest thing I miss is that I didn’t realize how fit I was (without trying) and if I could go back I would wear a bikini 24-7. To school, shopping, work, whatever I would not care…you know I really hope I’m not afflicted with dementia and I think I’m 17 again and I think I used to wear a bikini all the time and I think well I think you can see where this is going…scary….

Wheatgrass tofu burger please.

I’m writing out questions for the doctors’ appointment tomorrow when it hits me, my big fear. She will tell me that I need to change my diet and exercise (M&M’s and comfy chair, I love you so)… I am having a stress attack just thinking about it, spinach shakes and jogging…Oh my lord. I call my sister and tell her my fear she’s like, no treats?...no pop? ...no fast food?...Exercise? Like what will you do?... That’s when I lay it on her…She will be doing it with me if this is the case…she’s like, no treats?...no pop?...no fast food?... and Exercise? You can almost hear her heart through the phone, but I feel so much better now because I’m not the only one panicking. Crazy, Cuckoo, and Committed all C words…

Creative Clarity?

Pre-pre cancer still has the word cancer in it and it bugs me just enough. I don’t have cancer so I’m non cancer, sans cancer, cancer-less, but all still have that dreaded word. Other C words I don’t care for much are conjunctivitis, colonoscopy, Chupacabra (goat sucker, scary right), constipation, camping… anyway all yucky but cancer still the top. Favorite C words candy, chocolate, cash, cotton, comfy, children, clean, caramel, cheeseburgers, …more than the bad so that’s good. See I’m working through this. In the future you will go to the doctor, they do a blood test and you’ll get results like, your second child will be more likely to have acid reflux, your third child’s second child will have erectile dysfunction, unfortunately she will be a girl, you will be lactose tolerant unlike your spouse who will be intolerant, this may cause some marital discord, and so on. So I guess being pre-pre is the way of the future. And aren’t we all pre something anyway pre-old, pre-hungry, pre-dead, so pre is in, I’m trendy without trying that is so me.

Final Pathological Diagnosis

So today I got to see my surgeon. The news was... different. First it was the largest Intraductal papilloma (I know its all Korean) that shes ever taken out. Cool? Actually I'm not sure what that means. Secondly the lump, bump, thingy has atypical hyperplasia which as she put it is pre-pre cancerous. Not cancer but my risk is increased. OK follow me so far because I barely get it. So I will be watched more closely. Another turn is that now I have to go see an oncologist and she may put me on a medicine that they use to reduce the risk of breast cancer. It may though, I'm not jumping to quickly(yea right), put me in menopause. I have barely wrapped my head around this 30+10 thing (yes you know what I mean). All I picture in my head is that Maxine character from all the Hallmark cards the cranky old (really Old) lady. The mayo clinic lists these items as symptoms of menopause:
* Irregular periods
* Decreased fertility
* Vaginal dryness
* Hot flashes
* Sleep disturbances
* Mood swings
* Increased abdominal fat
* Thinning hair
* Loss of breast fullness
Um, uh, I am freaked. Not cancer... Not cancer... Not cancer... but iNcReAsed AbdOminaL Fat? tears* Not cancer... Not cancer... but ThINninG Hair? Not cancer... Not cancer...I'm not even touching that other stuff... ok, ok, thank god I just received a box of M&M's in the mail (completely true) some use drugs others candy...

In all seriousness I have been blessed with a warning and many never get that chance.

Famous Duos for $2000

Yesterday I was allowed to remove the bulky bandage and take a real shower. This would have been more pleasant if I was knocked out, because the amount of tape used and the way it had fused to my skin was dreadful. I sounded like a Pomeranian that saw a squirrel, yipping and yelping. Finally after removal I got to see the boo-boo up close and all I could think was ow. The area that was cut is around an inch and in an area that that all I can think of telling you is ow. Also my boob was flat from the pressure of the Chinese torture bandage, like those Chinese finger cuffs where all you have to do is relax and they will come right off but you freak pulling and tugging like Lou Ferrigno and your kid who just got them out of some prize box is losing it because you're going to break their reward and when you finally get them off your fingers they're blue and have the woven indentation (sorry got carried away). I was horrified trying to fluff it (painful), and I even blew into my thumb hoping that would inflate the area. Neither worked but luckily after my shower it was coming around. I have to say the best thing was after all was said and done the girls were neighbors again. Laverne and Shirley were bunking side by side. Wonder twins can now activate their powers. Thelma is now driving with Louise right next to her…All right I’m done that could go on forever.

"Could we get some more bread?"

So yesterday was B-Day (boobies, breasts, bazoombas, whatever). I arrived at the hospital pretty relaxed ready to get it over with; yank the sucker out was my mantra. The surgical area was full and I think this is going to take awhile. I walk up to the counter and try and give the receptionist my frequent flier mileage card along with insurance card; I figure this thing could take me to Italy and back maybe a couple of times. They unfortunately do not accept that. But she makes sure I sign all my rights over, it’s not their fault if they mess up or some surgical tool goes missing or etc. At this point she hands me a “call you when we are ready Outback Steakhouse beeper”, huh? Are they trying to torture me since they know I have not eaten since yesterday and now I swear I can smell garlic mashed potatoes? “When this goes off please come back up to the desk”… and my table will be ready? No smile, but I only had to wait 10 minutes or so and then I got to try my joke again on a new person, no luck, tough audience. As I round the corner to head to my next space I run into someone I know. Most people do this at the grocery store I wait until I’m at a hospital go figure. She is someone I’ve known for around 23 years (yes since I was three) and it’s good she’s there because now she demands the staff that they laugh at my jokes and instantly I know this will a better day (I’m pitiful I know). So next my nurse tells me to strip off everything, put everything in the marked bags, put on gown and hospital appointed socks. I immediately asked about the undies, must I remove them since there no reason anyone should be down that way anyway and blah blah. “Sure you can wear them but sometimes people pee a little when the come out of the anesthetic and I wouldn’t want to wear wet panties home” all saying this as she walks out the door… crap crap crap. I suddenly have to pee and all I think about is wetting myself, this thought is now greater then scalpels, boob removal, or death. I am one messed up thinker. Ok, after peeing 3 or four times the anesthesiologist comes in and we decide that I don’t have any vices except for the crazy biting of the nails( what can I say I’m a party animal). At this point he also states the doctor may take pictures … for scrap booking, the internet, to laugh at at parties, I’m stressing a little now with the whole peeing myself and I may be on someone’s My Space page. My girlfriend comes back in and we chat then she asks who’s doing the surgery. I tell her and her reply is “She’s a bitch but she great with boobs”, crap… incontinence, youtube, and now I’m afraid to ask any questions because the doc may attack me. Of course when the doctor finally comes in I keep moving out of her way like a bobble head, if she comes on my right I lean all the way to the left and back and forth. She wants to examine the lump again and at this point she may think she has bad breath because of the distance I’m keeping. While poking at my bump she mentions that unfortunately its “inconveniently located”, at this point I want to be a smart ass but I’m afraid of her and the wrath she could bring so I ask how can I help her (wimp). She states that it’s in the cleavage area, I nod like I know what she’s talking about then puzzled I say “cleavage?” The only cleavage I ever have is unintentional or accidental, maybe this is what I been missing out on in life? No she doesn’t want me to have a scar there and because where she is going to cut I may have some more bruising (lets just say where she wants to cut I won’t ever get to show my scar without the possibility of arrest.) I say whatever you need to do… she’s the one with the carving knife remember. And then drug guy shoots me up and I don’t remember anything. Although looking at my naked self I do wonder who slathered on the butt load of oompa loompa orange but gave up a quarter of the way through because of boredom and who casted my boob up so it was nowhere near the other one, now they look like Marty Feldman’s eyes (Google him) and god knows what else occurred… Today I’m pretty sure someone threw a bowling ball at me and I didn’t catch it… I’m must have my narcotics... Oh and doctor’s appointment Friday cross your fingers I’m in the clear…

Disclaimer: this story was written under the influence.

Denim

Someone called me “in shape”, I laugh and say its good genes and good jeans. So first I’ll thank my parents Gene and Genie (just joshing), but for real on the jeans part. The wrong ones can make the equator three dimensional; you know the bike tire, muffin top, Saturn’s rings and all. But the right ones can manipulate the milky ways and snickers into an appropriate area and “bam” you’re sweet. So for me I’ll thank Levi Strauss for working overtime especially after a late night binge of milk duds and cheese popcorn. So “in shape” is an illusion so no one challenge me to anything exerciseial (I made that up, cool huh?) because my arms tire if I put a ponytail in.