Dirty Mouth

I just wanted to talk about my toddler’s new word he likes to “throw out” when he gets perturbed…“Poo-poo”. When he says it he’ll cock his head side to side, tongue slightly out, and then he adds a little eye roll. It is annoying but now he’s added a word to it to emphasize his point. Now you all are probably thinking it’s an actual cuss word (If you know me you would bet on it)… it’s not but he really believes he’s added a hard core expletive to his vocab. He’s added “cowboy”. I am not kidding. The look he gives when he says it you know he’s not messing around. “Cowboy poo-poo” or “Poo-poo cowboy”, and us giggling probably doesn’t help curb the child’s appetite to use it. His aunt likes to call and wants to talk to him on the phone, he’ll wander around with the phone chit- chatting, and then he will bring it back to me. She said to me after one of their conversations that he’s so cute; he was saying “cowboy” this and that. I had to explain to her that he was basically calling her a %^$&$. Of course this brought on more hysterical laughing now the boy goes into performance mode. With the added body language, a swagger (it’s kinda what I’d call the fugetaboutit walk) only a Joe Pesci could pull off. You would almost think cowboy ranks right up there with some of the biggies (and I know all of you, you all know them words inside and out). Well I must go I just denied the third pack of gummies and we are swearing up a storm….

Intelligent life on Mars?

I didn’t start the dishwasher last night. I foolishly believed that my husband may start it. It was ready to go and the sink was empty. But as I entered the kitchen this morning I discovered that an apparent drinking game must have happen after I went to bed. Cups were lined around the counter; so many that even my daughter commented on them “what’s with all the cups.” Plus the sink was full again… Why? Is it because they (has to be my oldest and his father) are trying to make me crack? Am I not cracked enough? And why do I punish myself by leaving little tests out for them knowing that they will fail at them? Example: Laundry, after one day in our home it is spread all around upstairs, a lot of it too. You would think that I live with 15 people. Anyway the stuffs everywhere, so I’ll push it in a pile and lets say block the bathroom door with it (and my oldest son is in there). I wait, lurking around the corner, holding my breath until he opens the door… and I watch him step over it. Not only does he just step over he doesn’t even look down; this has got to be some sort of male gene. I block the stairs, I’ve blocked the garage door, and they (testosterone twosome) are immune. All they have to do is take it to the basement is that to much to ask? But if I put a full garbage bag out the garage door, not in the garbage can, who hears it, hmm, “can’t you just walk it over to the can”. Blah, blah, blah…I suppose I am dealing with the man who let a pee soaked towel sit in the kitchen sink all day while I was at work (read 7-24-06)… but how dare I not follow garbage protocol. And the dishwasher is just another failed attempt to see if anyone could go the extra step. I am Humpty Dumpty and I’m afraid I may fall off the wall…and because my husband and my oldest never look down, I won’t even get the attempt of trying to put me back together again…*sob…

1-9-07

Let me start by saying, Damn you Tostitos with a hint of lime, making yourself so irresistible that I ate you late at night, your salty tartness created a virtual assembly line right into my mouth. This (of course) caused me to be in the bathroom last night and have weird dreams. I think you should have a warning label… May cause insomnia, irritable bowel, and nightmares… but feel free to eat the whole bag (loser)! In the first part of my dream it started with all my teeth breaking and pieces falling out till there was basically nothing left (shut up all you who may say that’s vain… everybody wants their own teeth, take a poll!) The second part of my dream got more bizarre, I was in the bathroom, going to the bathroom, and people kept coming in and trying to talk to me. I kept trying to close the door but someone else would push it open. Then my sister- in- law pushed it open and she had brought Will Ferrell with her…? I know that sounds odd but even stranger she doesn’t even like Will (I do, I think you’re marvelous… call me). So why am I having some subconscious thought that I want her to like Will? This is my great desire? What about finding a bus load of money or ending world hunger or keeping my teeth… My sister- in- law liking Will Ferrell movies, that’s what I get?? Tostitos… I blame you…I’ve contacted a high powered food attorney as we speak… shame on you, you have robbed me of my sleep and my dreams…

Nature or Nurture

My father is in town which means stress is at an all time high. I need to begin my deep breathing exercises and start my yoga “ummmm’s”. He arrived pretty uneventfully and even as all the kids rolled in (six between my sister and I … 4 aged 4 and under) he remained fairly calm. But as my sister was waiting for her husband, so she could trade off and head to work, you could see the wringing off the hands, the lightly flushed face, and the elevated voice take over. He was counting down the minutes to her departure. Worrying about her making it to work on time you could actually see the sweat form under his pits. The man exudes tenseness and like a plague I immediately become infected…he’s the monkey in “Outbreak” and I am Renee Russo. I joke, I tease, anything to break the anxiety filled room. But he’s like rubber… “You know I’m rubber you’re glue whatever you say to me bounces off of me and sticks to you”… Well her husband arrives and she’s leaves on time, no worries … until we realize that she has forgotten her cell phone. Now you would have thought all the air was just sucked out of the room. At this point he wants to probably chase her down but he’s trying to act cool… and on an acting scale from 1 to 10… he’s a Gary Busey. So she has now called from work, which means she has arrived unscathed, now we can relax again. Four hours into his visit I can’t wait till I mention the jail sentence I must serve… ha-ha… deep breaths.

12-29-06

Ahh… well I know most of you have been on pins and needles to hear what I received for Christmas. Now I know you think I’m excited about my new Christmas hot pads and they are festive but… I got a new washing machine! I know this is going to sound like something out of a fairy tale land, you know where the prince rides up to save the day (probably with a u-haul because a horse would be pate lugging that thing around) and the princess (that would be me) in my Badgley Mishka one of a kind with my cascading curls that are like bouncy ringlets of joy, my teeth actually tan the townspeople as I smile, and … well you see where I’m going. It wasn’t quite like that because my prince was actually my in-laws…but it just sounds so romantic the other way, I mean I could see the harlequin novel “Purified Prince” or “Laundry Lothario”, I’m sure Fabio could do the cover (disclaimer: not a huge Fabio fan but I thought he could use a little plug… season for giving and all that.) Ok back to the top of the line, fancy schmancy, Big Bertha of washing machines, this baby is so exciting that my two youngest come downstairs to help me load because… hold on to your hats… it has a glass lid so you can watch the action as it happens (I should probably introduce them to the outside world once in awhile)! I know I’m blowing all you minds but this puppy’s got it all! It’s all digital and the only thing it doesn’t do is juggle… but I may be able to teach her. So at this point I would like to thank everybody for putting up with my daily breakdowns and boo-hoo’s. To my sister and my mother for using their machines when I was in need, Danke, to my in-laws for laying out the big dough, Grazie, to my husband for continually fixing the old one, Domo arigato mister roboto. Peace on earth and spin cycles to all!!!

12-23-06

Last night I received a phone call from my long distance girlfriend (I can hear my husband now and my reply… “You wish”). She called to fill me in on all the local gossip. It involved a suicide, a possible affair, a divorce, and a musical. I know you (now there are two of you) want to know the ins and outs, all the details but I have to protect the source (some sort of oath I took in line at the Barnes and Noble or somewhere). Some of you may think I just stole these ideas from the movies Flashdance or Fame, and although I do adore those Oscar worthy pictures, I did not steal any plot lines. I will share that she revealed that a certain hostess at a gathering last night, changed out of her party wear and changed into her p.j.’s... mid party. Now if they were silk or flannel I cannot say but knowing her and the way she likes to dab a little Budweiser behind each ear she was probably in full party mode. With that alone I’m sure she was turning a few a men’s heads, but add her rendition of “Santa Baby” on the kitchen table… I’m sure they were eating out of her stocking. This little firecracker has been known to have a few libations and then let it all hang out (and after a few kids I’m sure it does…wink wink). Thank you Kare for the juicy tidbits… I mean Stacy… or Paula…

Also quick update on Washer Watch 2006, my husband has again “fixed” it. I’ve done two loads so far… and knock on wood; it seems to be going good. Also, I have started a little ritual where I tell “her” (has to be a woman, right?... She works so hard!) I love her when I leave. What the heck it can’t hurt right?

12-19-06

As I drive my laundry over to my sister’s house again, I now believe I have really angered the appliance “god” (my washer has broken again). In my mind I have come to realize that they (the “god” and his panel of dudes) are slowly trying to break me. On the panel are Henry, Tommy, and Paul. The appliance “god” is named Jimmy Conway (I’m sure I’ve heard those names before, I’ll just chalk it up to a vivid imagination). Now that I have that part worked out in my mind I just have to figure out what I’ve done. My first thought is that my husband has done something (they always do something wrong) but then I believe they would attack his blackberry, laptop, various cell phones, the toilet, and I could just be left out of this mess. But they aren’t so it’s back to me, hitting me where it hurts over and over. There must be some sort of patron saint of household necessities to protect me, I could hang it over my front door, bury it in the backyard, spread it on my morning toast… I’ll do whatever! Satan has entered my domain and is fiddling with my machinery … that sounds a little off... an unscrupulous act has brought woe in my abode… no odd still…Maybe if I just make a little Italian gravy and sacrifice my George Foreman grill?

12-12-06

I catch my daughter bugging the snot out of my youngest. She is repeatedly poking him. He in return decides “I’ll poke her”, but now she’s annoyed. Although she has been doing this to him for who knows how long, his 30 second retaliation has put her into scream mode (at 7 about everything puts her in drama city). Of course being the adult, parent, the role model, (who am I kidding… the oldest in the room) I try to reason with her explaining that he is just repeating her behavior (god I’m such an untrained talent it scares me). She then sets me straight, “he is invading my personal girl space”, and I pause, personal girl space? Before I can reply she then explains “and babies don’t have personal space so it’s ok!” I am curious so I ask… where did you learn that? “I made it up; I don’t even know what personal means!” and storms off. If this is a prequel to the teen years…I am definitely not wise (or patient) enough to keep up.

12-08-06

I have had repairmen in and out of this house over the past weeks (read previous posts). Right now I have two workmen in the basement replacing the furnace. Can we all say booko bucks, big cash, mucho dinero, lots of Benjamin’s, ho ho oh no… Also today as this big project is taking place my husband finds out that his company may be bought, and broken up into teeny tiny pieces (similar to the Titanic… lets hope he finds an iceberg … or even a ice cube?).What bothers me the absolute most of all is that has gone on with our “bad luck” is that a couple of days ago my husband emptied out the dishwasher, now I know some of you may be like “wow can’t get my man to do that”, I know I’m lucky(ha-ha). Any way the problem was that the dishwasher contents had yet to be cleaned. When I happened to mention this little detail he was like, “Oh well.” Needless to say I’ve had the icky grossies for the last few days, rewashing everything but it doesn’t matter because all I can think of is, what did I use, what did I touch, ugh, ugh, ugh. I think that I need to up my meds…

12-04-06

Just an update for all my peeps (I think the three of us are bonding). Last week we experienced some wonderfully warm weather, broke out the stylish capri’s. Then we were practically snowed in on Friday, but no worries the kids loved it (snow day!). The only hitch was that our elementary school had planned this vendor and craft extravaganza at the school on Friday, so I was on the horn all day calling parents to tell them its still on. This must have melted some of my brain cells (or maybe something else in my teen years… just joking Dad), because at the school that night my sister- in- law and my sister were on raffle table duty. Every time my sister said hello, hi, hola, or whatever to someone, I said hey how do you know them? Each time she reminded me that she was “greeting” people, yet for some reason I couldn’t grasp that and continued to ask her where do you know them from? Ok, people say my sister and I share a brain (and usually I have possession of it, true statement take a poll people) but I obviously had given it to her to use that night. My only concern is that I get it back because she later called me reeling off numbers about something she was adding (not a strong point for her either) and I ended up with a migraine.