Why yes I am...

Two times in the last month pre-teens have mistaken me for 21 years of age. The first one believed since I was so tall I had to be "like 21", I did not argue this point. I am a hot mix of Olive Oyl and Heidi Klum. The second thought since I have no gray hair I had to be 21. Do I teach/educate/rear (best Bevis/Butthead impression "uhuhuh rear") these children? No I do not, that is the responsibility of their parents. I am not teaching them the chemical compounds that have created the stunningly gorgeous color I claim to be my own (named Cocoa-mel). Nor do I need to explain the ratio of height and age divided by weight and number of teeth. I will and am flying out to California to try out for I-Carly to milk this facade while the getting's good. I'll be the new spunky pre-teen with light issues (Nickelodeon doesn't delve in too deep), such as frizzy hair and ill-proportioned shoulders.

Soap Text or Text Opera

I think Facebook and texting has taken away my ability to write and communicate in a normal way. I haven't written in ages, I know my follower,on my infamous blog here, has been on pins and needles to see what's up with me. But instead of actual speech I like to converse in 140 letters or less. My sister is going to murder me because I will text her constantly but when on the phone it's brief. But some of my best material is spontaneous such as this morning when I text reviewed General Hospital for my sister. Went something like "Watching Lucky on SoapNet. He is going for an Emmy. Red demon eyes and harsh words." Seconds later I text again "Luke's growing his hair out for a pony perhaps? Elizabeth and Nicholas are giving it all to Lucky. Their emotions are flat not deep." Still no reply from little sis I continue on more texts. "Now I'm watching freak babies read the flash cards," (commercial you have to be familiar with). Now I am so excited my phone buzzes, I'm getting a text!!! Her reply "oh". Now you think this would derail me I'd get the hint a back away... no I push on, "Precious little girl trembling in the snow... He is GoOd!" I believe she will have to participate now...nada, zilch, nothing- "Oh I write you a novel and you give me "Oh"". I sense irritation in her next text with "I know!!" but I'm not a mind reader. So I proceed with my review, "Father son time". "Luke stand up you can be nominated too." Good stuff right? I'm thinking I have a new career. Her reply- "laundry". I tell her, "You will not be nominated for any Pulitzer for this text chat." Her- "nope", you can feel my frustrations now. I tell her "I need more I want you to reach down deep. Reach to the bowels of your belly." Now she finally comes to, "I will gladly talk on the phone it takes less time." Really? Have I not established that this phone chat crap is out. Am I not transparent enough? My final reply, "I seemed to have this writer in me. This is probably why I don't blog anymore I use all my goods on an ungrateful sl... Oh sorry overcome by GH (General Hospital). I though I was going for an Emmy....

Pass the ketchup please...

Yesterday I walked into a spider web, no ordinary web because it didn’t break because it was fully intact after I sling shot backwards from fear. I was hee-bee-gee-beeing it all over the place . Up and down hand motions as if I was trying out for the community “Flashdance” theater group (not sure if “my” community has one but wanted to sound like I was into the “arts”.) Oh and I’m at work so some came to my aid (thank you I am in your debt) and other laughed hysterically (I know where you all sleep!) But this happening prompted the debate would you eat a spider for a million dollars? Yes I would. Well my biggest fan in this discussion was a 10 year old so he kept upping the ante “would you eat four buns with spider eggs for one billion five hundred dollars?” (I enjoyed that he added the extra $500 because its all about the benji’s - my slang is so up to date). Yep. I mean really, writer use’s best impression of Dr. Evil, “ONE BILLION DOLLARS *insert diabolical laugh*". I mean basically unless I could die, and yes he suggests poisonous snakes in a closet, I’d do it. Which brings me back to the beginning were I wouldn’t want a spider on me or a hair in my food for that matter but add funds and I’m game…greedy…but I could own all the M&M’s in the world *insert evil laugh* …

Am I going to the ball?

So my floor is clean. But I look like I was in a marathon/tornado. So I got my pajama pants, flimsy t-shirt and I just Cinderella'd the floor. Coin slot scrubbing although I did not make a dime. The humidity in the house had rose to a balmy 231% so now I have an odor that would shut down a train station and Tawny Kitaen hair that I don't know if I ever be able to talk it back down. But the floor is clean.

Those are love handles

I was planning on walking right past the Entenmanns Soft’ee doughnuts at the grocery store today. But as I went by, perhaps a wee bit too slow, I slightly turned to look. So of course I saw the sign “Buy one get one free”. Well that would be pure stupidity to pass that by I mean what are the chances of winning the lottery…slim to none so I had to reward myself with some sort of prize. I get up to the register and the cashier says “Oh I have to get those too” this reaffirmed my decision, I am so wise. She said but there are only three people in her family I reassured her and said that’s eight each you can only hope someone fills up sooner and you can get more. She tried to tell me that it’s too many I said I was confused by her statement and I believe my math is accurate. Then she started saying maybe she’ll give some to her parents and so forth, at that point I new she had lost her mind…sharing donuts! I had to eat some in the car just to calm down…

It's a bird, it's a plane...

My week has been full of aliens and superheroes. We have seen Race to Witch Mountain, Bolt, and Monsters vs. Aliens. So when Ben 10 was on last night and I was trying to doze off with a nine year old and a five year old sharing my bed, whispering about super powers was the main topic. I decided to pop up to share mine. First I wowed them with the I can make water come from my eyes and proceeded to put on my best Meryl Streep a “dingo ate my baby” face, you could tell they were speechless. Next I shared how these, pointing to my fingers, can pick up small and average size objects with ease and before they could respond I headed to the limbs underneath my torso can move me from one area to another. Then I awed them with what my kryptonite is…Burger King onion rings! I can paralyze myself and knock out small insects with one gas bubble. They stared at me then my youngest spoke first “but you can’t fly” and my nine year old followed up with the eye roll and said “wow and poop can come out your butt”. I am raising the next generation people.

Land the "effing" plane

So in honor of my kin in Texas here’s a story that may or may not be some form of the truth.
Do not ever loan Vicky Barnes $500. Because Tanya Martin did and you know Tanya she’s the daughter of Estelle and Elonzo over in Dry Rock well they’ve both passed but you know that they had the three kids Frank, LB, and Tanya. Frank the oldest married that Mabel Turner the one who wears all that jewelry that now she has the back problems. Well she went to that specialist in Dust Plains and he told her to quit wearing all that jewelry and she said she rather die. She says what would the ladies think over at the Broadway Church? Also they have that son LB, who paces so much he has worn the floor down so bad that they had to have Herb Dimmel come and pour concrete in their house to re-even out their floors. Anyway oh and wait LB’s kids are a loopy too their oldest C.C has been detained by police four times for trying to walk up the drive- thru at the Sonic over on Indiana because she just loves their Rt. 44 diet coke with lime. Oh and their other daughter Lynn who runs around town with her hair wet like she doesn’t have time to fix it, what does she do? Nothin’ as far as I can tell. So Estelle and Elonzo’s youngest Tanya has those three kids which I think one makes ice (can you make a livin' from that?), the other does hair…why she can’t help her cousin is beyond me, and the other just had a baby she named Elvis, I mean really Elvis what are people thinkin’ these days. So Tanya loans Vicky Barnes, Vicky’s the one that married to that Yankee that works with computers or at Best Buy or somethin’, anyway she gives her $500 and she had to give her six twenties, four tens, and the rest in singles and fives because she just doesn’t have that layin‘ around. And Vicky goes and uses it to get one of them consultations from that fancy plastic surgeon over in Sandy Creek for a butt lift, a butt lift I mean really. Well you know she’ll never get that money back I mean really…

My Grandma Opal

Always having Juicy Fruit or the small Lifesaver rolls you get from the bank in her purse.

Smelling the best and having the softest hands of anyone I ever met.

Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, tacos, and waffles (not necessarily eaten together).

Buying me Dr. Pepper in the glass bottles and the sugar cereal my mom wouldn’t by me.

Cleaning up after me all the time, even after I used shaving gel on a roach (yes to suffocate it, they're icky)then scooped him into a shoebox and put it in the bathroom.

Never letting my plate get empty while eating.

Listening to all your stories and how knowledgeable you are with sports, like even knowing where each player grew up and whose lawn they cut.

For listening to my scary organ playing concerts.

Every time you talk to me making me feel that I’m the most special granddaughter ever.

Worrying about my hair-do…grandma its naturally curly it has a mind of its own.

Getting to hang out with you and Grandpa in Texas… and being a wee bit spoiled.

Love you…

One giant step for mankind

Yesterday I had to do my check up with the gynee, which is slang for gynecologist (keeping you all informed). So I was kinda stressing it because it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been there or kids you have I still turn into a jumping spider. So I’m in there prepped and having the obligatory chit chat, is this paint color new, vanilla wafers are delicious and so on. Well somehow he brought up that I need a new exam in a certain area and “boom” he was already there. Now I failed to mention that I have laryngitis which causes only every other word to be clear. So the conversation was something like “wait don’t go there my god why” but of course all that came from my voice was “wait go there god”. Yeah not good plus the whole thing seemed to last a lifetime. He laughed it off and I learned I knew all the words to “Hello Dolly” and I'd never go spelunking (caving). As I left the office I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home, shower away the sin, and cry in a corner or go straight to the police station to press charges.

P.S. after telling my sister she tells me she asked a nurse and that is a normal procedure, thanks sis I wasn’t even thinking he was doing it for thrills. It’s a wonder I slept at all last night.

Just a thought

So have you ever got a leg cramp in the middle of the night where basically you just scream out but can’t do a thing. Then somehow in your frantic state you want it chopped off but if that happened you need some sort of replacement and those fancy titanium ones probably cost a good quarter mil. So you’d have to get a peg leg but then you’d need someone that whittles and who does that anymore? The only person I can think of is Geppetto and he’s got to be in his hundreds by now so he seems out of the question. If you did get the wood leg everybody would be so concerned for you but when they found you just had a late night leg cramp you’d look like a wimpy idiot. Does anyone want to change brains with me for a day so I can rest?