One giant step for mankind

Yesterday I had to do my check up with the gynee, which is slang for gynecologist (keeping you all informed). So I was kinda stressing it because it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been there or kids you have I still turn into a jumping spider. So I’m in there prepped and having the obligatory chit chat, is this paint color new, vanilla wafers are delicious and so on. Well somehow he brought up that I need a new exam in a certain area and “boom” he was already there. Now I failed to mention that I have laryngitis which causes only every other word to be clear. So the conversation was something like “wait don’t go there my god why” but of course all that came from my voice was “wait go there god”. Yeah not good plus the whole thing seemed to last a lifetime. He laughed it off and I learned I knew all the words to “Hello Dolly” and I'd never go spelunking (caving). As I left the office I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home, shower away the sin, and cry in a corner or go straight to the police station to press charges.

P.S. after telling my sister she tells me she asked a nurse and that is a normal procedure, thanks sis I wasn’t even thinking he was doing it for thrills. It’s a wonder I slept at all last night.

Just a thought

So have you ever got a leg cramp in the middle of the night where basically you just scream out but can’t do a thing. Then somehow in your frantic state you want it chopped off but if that happened you need some sort of replacement and those fancy titanium ones probably cost a good quarter mil. So you’d have to get a peg leg but then you’d need someone that whittles and who does that anymore? The only person I can think of is Geppetto and he’s got to be in his hundreds by now so he seems out of the question. If you did get the wood leg everybody would be so concerned for you but when they found you just had a late night leg cramp you’d look like a wimpy idiot. Does anyone want to change brains with me for a day so I can rest?

Connection

Today I was reading Deepak Chopra's seven brides for seven brothers or recipe for seven layer salad, something like that, anyway I was going to start practicing his suggestions and I was going to work on my acceptance- this moment is how it should be, responsibility- every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and defenselessness- relinquish the need to defend my point of view. My intentions were good and I was geared up, although reading it in the dentists office while waiting for my teenage son may have been an error. Basically when he came out with the news of two cavities and wisdom teeth removal, I knew I should hide. As we got into the car I heard the spilling of cuss words and stupid this and that. I was proud of myself I accepted the moment, then smacked him in his head. Next my 4 year old, who I have accepted is sick wanted me to stand next to him while he watched TV and cried. I took the responsibility and got in the car and drove far away. Finally my 9 year old arrived home from school complaining about Friday homework and how it was going to kill her. I accepted her anger and as she went into homework cardiac arrest I felt defenseless and let her crossover. Thank you Deepak I am really getting a grasp on this spiritual thing.

9 lives

I think I mentioned before that one of my daughters’ wishes for Christmas was that our cat would go to the vet. The cat has had tumor on her foot that perhaps I have been neglecting- (simmer down PETA) but she was acting the same and I knew it would be costly. Well it could be ignored no more because the other night it began to bleed. So my husband had to take her to emergency care. I kind of thought he left with the understanding that we have exhausted many funds in the past with this animal. So with a mafia nod he headed out. He called within an hour and the vet and he were “working the numbers”… he's negotiating? He called back again and after a handshake the bare bones operation was underway, head conk and child safety scissors (simmer down ASPCA). Firstly I sent him to do the dirty work because I couldn’t…duh. But he didn’t want to upset the kids so this is why he made this decision. Of course I told them no birthday presents for a year (simmer down DCFS). The plan was the vet would operate immediately (in the middle of the night) and then we would pick up the cat right when he was finished, so at 2 am the call came and my husband was off top pick up the cat, and he arrived home with cone head kitty. Now did I mention that we have another cat and because tumor cat was at the vet and now doesn’t smell like herself, sister cat doesn’t recognize even after their 14 year involvement so words were exchanged. Wouldn’t it be something to leave for a few hours and then not recall someone you’ve spent a years with? Yea I know that would be the bomb! (simmer down CML, Center for Memory Loss) Ok so now we had to lock her in the bathroom where in a matter of hours she had removed her protective cone, so back to the vet. When I arrived I said to the staff, “staples or super glue”, joking simmer down. The tech gets it right back on and we were back home where at this point she is royally freaked and proceeds to try and dive under the bed but because she didn’t factor in her new head width she ends up catching herself with the “dog at then end of the chain” move … and even today after a few days she catches her funnel on everything, and you should see her try and eat… pitiful… I need to get a do not resuscitate order, relax NRL.

Furturistic ideas

My washer and dryer are now hooked up computerly (that’s a Gates approved word) so they can communicate with each other. It sends the info from one to the other knowing for instance that I just did a load of whites. But I tend to disagree with the decision it makes 82% of the time. It makes me wait while it calculates, relays or whatever then I shake my head and sigh “like that’s gonna work”… do you think it hears me and will try and destroy me or my laundry… Did anyone else think when we were younger that we would have flying cars and robots by now? I never thought we would be carrying around transmitting contraptions (a.k.a cell phones) that could fit in our pockets. They can vibrate (hello), sing, and ring, send stuff, take my blood pressure, find my location, keep my appointments, but I was still kind of hoping that I would have my own robot do my laundry not go blind by typing in words to a phone. Who’s with me?

16 Random Things about Moi

1. My kids are the funniest people I know.
2. I wish I was lactose tolerant, so many Dairy Queens
3. M&M should make an M&M with an M&M inside- I like M&M's
4. I wish I ate better, exercised more, and was athletic...
5. I crack myself up
6. I know I missed my calling to be a regular on SNL
7. People say I'm blunt...grandma that fuchsia polyester suit does age you at least 10 years
8. I say moron and shit at least 4-5 times a day at work
9. I'm still waiting for my Hogwarts letter
10. Fight Club Brad Pitt is hands down the best Brad Pitt otherwise I really don't have a
thing for Brad Pitt
11. I’m a touch OCD
12. I wish I would stay in touch with my friends better
13. I never have any money
14. I like dogs just because I don't want to French kiss your dog doesn't mean I don't like them
15. I like to be weighed in kilograms
16. My hair acts like its always auditioning for a Whitesnake video

Clouds and Angels or Fire and Brimstone?

The topic came up of can you name the seven deadly sins of course I reply sneezy, bashful, dopey, whatever. But I started thinking am I an offender of the infamous list?

Lust- I'm going to Dr. Seuss this, Lust, rust, bust, dust- Oh How I must dust the rusty bust, people my Dad reads this so next...

Gluttony- excessive desire for food, withholding from the needy. We all know I love the
food and I am employed by a homeless shelter and I have a lot of control, bah ha ha- does that sound evil enough?

Greed- How I wish this one applied to me for then I would have someone transpire my words because of my wealth, typing would be beneath me. I’m as close to greedy as Charles Manson is to freedom… I think that makes since?...

Sloth- I think this is my big offender, mommy’s just going to rest her eyes a minute, Jewel Quest 2 (dang computer game), DVR, pajama pants (why must we wear anything else), fast food… I’m depressing myself.

Wrath- murder, assault, genocide, nope not that I’ve been convicted for…bah ha ha.

Envy- Yes I resent people with a lot of dough, I’m a hater, and I’m getting closer to hell with every word.

Pride- crap I pluck my eyebrows, shower, wear make-up, ugh I’m vain! But this helps a little with the sloth part because I’m not totally lazy if I do these other things, right?

Thanks for the mammaries...

My sister came to my work last night to help out. We are five years apart and it’s always funny to me that even though I don’t think we look much alike our voices and mannerisms I guess are the same. The ladies that I work with all just stared at us and were really totally freaked. “It’s like there are two of you” or “I hear an echo”, or many just were silent. We told the story of our basement growing up, how all our clothes were always downstairs by the washer. I’m not even sure who did laundry because my mom worked all the time but nevertheless the clothes never made it back upstairs to our rooms. So every morning before school we would have to go down and get our clothes (strict dress code at school: All must wear clothes). But because the basement freaked us out we would scream all the way down and all the way back up, because I guess if we weren’t screaming then you knew to send help, wise ones we are- that’s Yoda speech I love using it because the kids are digging Star Wars right now. You to can impress your friends or family by speaking this way, just take a regular sentence and say the back half first and the first half last such as “Your own butt please wipe” or “Grounded you are”. Anyway distracted I am so back to the story. So when coming back upstairs neither one of us wanted to be the last one in the basement so we would literally crawl (me) over one another on the stairs setting aside all risk for injuries to reach the top first. Don’t really know the point of this tale but I guess it’s not another mammary feature…

Still there...

Little did I know that this once deletable picture would be so profound. Before I would have said there was a bug on the table I must have been glancing down. Now the the caption would read "Hello girls what are your plans today, a swim? lounging? Perhaps a breast exam?"

Oncologist 1:10pm

Too much paperwork is how all doctors’ appointments begin. But long story short Doc comes in with a little calculator…what’s my risk breast calculator. She explains that after entering in all calculations and you are above the 1.7 mark there is a drug regimen you go on, pill a day for 5 years, if not then no extra treatment at this time. At that point I knew in my heart that I wasn’t going to hit that mark and… I got a 1.5 (whew). She then explained that statistically 1 out of 8 women get breast cancer (obviously higher if you have other risks such as family history). That means about 12.5%, my risk with my background is 20% and I thought that ain’t that bad (for my age range I have a 30.3% chance of dying from accidental poisoning-how about that?). When you have what I have an “atypical” reading it means that all cancers start “atypical” but not all “atypical” turn to cancer. So I was happy I didn’t even have to break out my questions and I felt complete with the answers given but then I turned to my husband and “gave him the anything you want to add” look and suddenly in slow mo he said …"what about diet and exercise"…she’s a doctor for crying out loud like she’s going to deter that kind of behavior, crap, crap, crap… the door must get to the door, car keys, go, go, go...