Snazzy Seniors

Now that spring has kinda sprung (3 days in the 70's) I must officially ask my Grandma H. (again) to spill the beans on the top secret matching outfits that are popping up all over. We know the ones matching pant, t-shirt, and if you splurge... a vest, and even sometime the bedazzled/appliquéd purse. The ones that have colors even Crayola has yet to invent, with patterns and flowers that are not of this planet. Now my theory is... and you know I'm semi- brilliant, that when a woman reaches a certain plateau, level, maturity, whoamIkidding age, they receive secret entry to the underground of... let's say Sears. Here they must swipe their computer chipped card or perhaps they have some code or password to enter this covert subterranean hangout where the other blue hairs... excuse me... silver foxes are converging on the latest polyester treasure. They must all must sign some highfalutin contract, they probably use the lawyers of "Survivor", so that it won't be exposed on "Inside Edition" or Geraldo (he's still working, correct?) See my grandma won't budge, no hint, nothing so I'm thinking she scared of being sued of her social security. The only thing is I not sure of what age this transformation takes place... and how can I avoid, evade, escape, and bypass this elastic plastic invasion where I don't have the power to match on my own! I'm frightened...

Enviromentally hip

Welcome Earth Day! To do my part I am only eating the green M&M’s, wearing an attractive shade of hunter green eye shadow, only watching shows with eco friendly topics (crossing my fingers that American Idol will have a green theme), sparing squares(t.p. people), and I may even have salad for dinner! Baby steps…

Waiting...

Men you just don’t know what women go through when we go to the gyno’s office.
First lets start by saying it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone you can’t get used to it, so shut it with the prostate check stories. Always it seems that no matter early or late you arrive, you wait and wait in the waiting room for an eternity, which is lovely. So my visit recently wasn’t any different. An hour in the waiting room before I get to go back and “empty my bladder”, take my blood pressure, and get weighed, let the good times begin. Then off to the room where the nurse informs you everything off, robe open to front, sheet to cover, and he’ll be with you in a sec. So immediately you strip in NASCAR time only to waiting for another 40 minutes. This time though I had the pleasure of listening to the conversation the doc was having with another patient because of the paper thin walls. Apparently she (patient) had a “blue cap” stuck in her ya know. This went on forever, “well maybe it’s from my recent hospital stay?” “No” he replies “not that.” On and on she doesn’t know how it got there all the while I’m staring at the clock. Let’s go already and at this point I’m ready to storm over there robe open and scream “tell him were it came from already!” “I’m not double jointed and I don’t have an array of mirrors to help me do it myself!” Anyway this doesn’t happen and we still haven’t concluded where the mysterious “blue cap” has come from…alien abduction, some sort of government experiment, who knows! Finally the knock comes to my door …yea it’s my turn (ugh), let the small awkward chit-chat begin.

miscommunication

Is it me or is every time you give your child directions they silently must hear “and do it as loudly as you can.”

Example: Please get ready for school… slam all doors as you do it, huff and puff like you’re in Wimbledon, and make sure as you put on your cologne so the rest of the family gags (that means you got the right amount). Oh, but don’t flush the toilet you may wake your brother.

Example: Put on your shoes and grab your backpack…while doing so stomp hard so the house vibrates and scream complaints that have been bothering you while you were sleeping.

Example: Let’s go… but look for the largest toy in the house to bring with and when I reply with a “no” drop to the ground and scream and kick like you’re a ride at a carnival.

Maybe it’s just me…

Entomophobia

As I leave Wal-mart with my sister and three of our kids, bees converge on us.

I just load the car ignoring the pests. My sister on the other hand cannot, she freaks.

I try and tell her to calm down but this is as she pushes the cart away from her because they are landing on her grocery bags. The problem with this is that her one year old is in the cart also, and her 5 year old has wandered off to save himself not from bees but flailing arms. I finish loading my car then proceed to get a front row seat to the action.

She has now composed herself enough to get the cart to the car. As she begins loading the vehicle she uses items in the bags as weapons (also at this time another onlooker has joined her audience). She seems to prancing as she uses a Kraft macaroni and cheese box to “shoo” away the buggers. She turns in full circles, I guess to cover the entire circumference of the area. She then just throws the box. I, of course, am peeing myself and crying overcome with laughter. The box did not accomplish what she wanted, so she whips that in the car. At this point her mothering instincts finally kick in and she places her children in the van out of harms way (her). Now her dance technique has become a bit harder her prancing is more stomping and her weapon now is a whole bag full of stuff. But I absolutely enjoy that she has kept her 360 move because I do enjoy that the most. I am also grateful that the parking spot next to her is open because her movements span a larger area and again this show is for me. Watching her for what seems like 15 minutes she is done with her task and safely in the car. The performance is done. Brava!

P.S. Remind me to tell you about the time she was outside with the kids and a bee came she ran inside slamming the door leaving the little ones to fend for themselves, screaming, crying, and building there phobia. Priceless…

No, I just developed this twitch...

Ants.

No matter what you do they pop up in your house. I finally conquer them by the back door only to find them moved on to the kitchen. I attack again and again I foolishly think I’ve won this war. Now it’s Saturday morning and I’m in deep sleep and my 8 year old is poking me saying “Ants they are appearing everywhere, get up, get up.” Crap. I head down to the kitchen and sure enough there they are carrying every minuscule crumb to their lair. Crap. I begin my crazed attack of a deep clean and the ultimate stare down. The stare down is when you begin focusing so hard that your eyes glaze over, water and turn red (also you may begin to drool slightly because of the deep meditative state you enter).
This is an imperative procedure because the little germies do just appear even when you think you see them all. As I watch things appear, no ants just small dust particles and whatnots, again I think I’ve kick their butt, I sigh and smile only to my frightened children.

With my insane asylum look I think waking up to scrub, clean, and kill…. I don’t look half bad.

07-08-07

Eating a bowl of ice cream with cool whip… $1.25

Laying in bed watching a movie …. $3.45

Falling asleep with a toddler in your arms… free

Waking to go to the bathroom at midnight…free

Checking on all your children as they sleep…free

While checking on teenage son finding out one of his friends is over, and your in your ratty bra- less t-shirt and underwear with “Clan of the Cave Bear” hair and dried drool on your face and the only thing you can muster to say is "oogafilt"?…. #@&*(&^ priceless.

07-01-07

Have you ever come home from work slipped on some drawstring pants with ease then head to the kitchen to eat yourself sick… Only to find out that just as you need to go to the bathroom “this instant” and brilliant you has put your pants on backwards? And there’re in a knot? And won’t slip off with “ease”? A knot that only a contortionist and a person with a Linda Blair head from “the exorcist” can undo? ... me either… just asking…

6-25-07

I would like to summarize our summer vacation…

Are we there yet?

I want to go home.

Don’t touch that!

Don’t put that in your mouth!

I’m hot.

I’m hungry.

Did you lock the car?

You’re going the wrong way.

There’s the Caribe Royale.

Google sun poisoning.

How much?!?!

Don’t put that in your mouth!

Do you think a doctor should look at that?

I think I’m peeing sand.

Arby’s or Hardee’s?

Motrin or Tylenol?

We need a Wal-mart.

I’m hot.

Please go to sleep.

Have you seen my…(fill in the blank)?

Did you lock the car?

Hold my hand!

I’m confused.

It’s only $1.97.

This is not our stroller.

How much?!!!

Not in your nose!

It itches!

This is not our stroller.

I’m hungry.

There’s the Caribe Royale…again.

You’re shedding…

He’s hitting me!

She’s hitting me!

Stop!

I’m hot.

Rub this on.

I’m hungry.

Did you lock the car?

Remember this is only a summary … times this by 9 to get the real feel…

Who's the Boss?

Warning signs your three year old is going to have a meltdown…Or your guide to what’s happening today… tomorrow… and unfortunately the day after that…

1. He or she will probably start with the classic fist clenching and breathing like a WWF wrestler.
2. He or she may start to shouting that you are a poo-poo or the house is a poo-poo or the whole everything is a poo-poo.
3. At this point he or she grabs whatever item is closes to him or her…ex. Shoe, toy, cat…
4. Before he or she actually throws weapon of chose he or she may start spinning in circles… you may think it’s just their head but fear not it’s their whole body going at warp speeds.
5. I hope you know that the weapon they’ve been clenching on is coming at you and when anger strikes their accuracy is very… well accurate…Beware! (and if it’s the cat, she’s pissed, and she’s been spun in circles so the first object she lands on… not good.)
6. Banshee like screaming will be echoing through the entire house…and or neighborhood.
7. At this stage I’ve hoped you’ve taken cover… It can go on for two minutes or hours…hide with a book.

Warning temper tantrums maybe cause by asking if their thirsty, wiping a smudge of their face, not putting enough ice cream in their bowl, a casual smile, or just waking up…