Am I going to the ball?

So my floor is clean. But I look like I was in a marathon/tornado. So I got my pajama pants, flimsy t-shirt and I just Cinderella'd the floor. Coin slot scrubbing although I did not make a dime. The humidity in the house had rose to a balmy 231% so now I have an odor that would shut down a train station and Tawny Kitaen hair that I don't know if I ever be able to talk it back down. But the floor is clean.

Those are love handles

I was planning on walking right past the Entenmanns Soft’ee doughnuts at the grocery store today. But as I went by, perhaps a wee bit too slow, I slightly turned to look. So of course I saw the sign “Buy one get one free”. Well that would be pure stupidity to pass that by I mean what are the chances of winning the lottery…slim to none so I had to reward myself with some sort of prize. I get up to the register and the cashier says “Oh I have to get those too” this reaffirmed my decision, I am so wise. She said but there are only three people in her family I reassured her and said that’s eight each you can only hope someone fills up sooner and you can get more. She tried to tell me that it’s too many I said I was confused by her statement and I believe my math is accurate. Then she started saying maybe she’ll give some to her parents and so forth, at that point I new she had lost her mind…sharing donuts! I had to eat some in the car just to calm down…

It's a bird, it's a plane...

My week has been full of aliens and superheroes. We have seen Race to Witch Mountain, Bolt, and Monsters vs. Aliens. So when Ben 10 was on last night and I was trying to doze off with a nine year old and a five year old sharing my bed, whispering about super powers was the main topic. I decided to pop up to share mine. First I wowed them with the I can make water come from my eyes and proceeded to put on my best Meryl Streep a “dingo ate my baby” face, you could tell they were speechless. Next I shared how these, pointing to my fingers, can pick up small and average size objects with ease and before they could respond I headed to the limbs underneath my torso can move me from one area to another. Then I awed them with what my kryptonite is…Burger King onion rings! I can paralyze myself and knock out small insects with one gas bubble. They stared at me then my youngest spoke first “but you can’t fly” and my nine year old followed up with the eye roll and said “wow and poop can come out your butt”. I am raising the next generation people.

Land the "effing" plane

So in honor of my kin in Texas here’s a story that may or may not be some form of the truth.
Do not ever loan Vicky Barnes $500. Because Tanya Martin did and you know Tanya she’s the daughter of Estelle and Elonzo over in Dry Rock well they’ve both passed but you know that they had the three kids Frank, LB, and Tanya. Frank the oldest married that Mabel Turner the one who wears all that jewelry that now she has the back problems. Well she went to that specialist in Dust Plains and he told her to quit wearing all that jewelry and she said she rather die. She says what would the ladies think over at the Broadway Church? Also they have that son LB, who paces so much he has worn the floor down so bad that they had to have Herb Dimmel come and pour concrete in their house to re-even out their floors. Anyway oh and wait LB’s kids are a loopy too their oldest C.C has been detained by police four times for trying to walk up the drive- thru at the Sonic over on Indiana because she just loves their Rt. 44 diet coke with lime. Oh and their other daughter Lynn who runs around town with her hair wet like she doesn’t have time to fix it, what does she do? Nothin’ as far as I can tell. So Estelle and Elonzo’s youngest Tanya has those three kids which I think one makes ice (can you make a livin' from that?), the other does hair…why she can’t help her cousin is beyond me, and the other just had a baby she named Elvis, I mean really Elvis what are people thinkin’ these days. So Tanya loans Vicky Barnes, Vicky’s the one that married to that Yankee that works with computers or at Best Buy or somethin’, anyway she gives her $500 and she had to give her six twenties, four tens, and the rest in singles and fives because she just doesn’t have that layin‘ around. And Vicky goes and uses it to get one of them consultations from that fancy plastic surgeon over in Sandy Creek for a butt lift, a butt lift I mean really. Well you know she’ll never get that money back I mean really…

My Grandma Opal

Always having Juicy Fruit or the small Lifesaver rolls you get from the bank in her purse.

Smelling the best and having the softest hands of anyone I ever met.

Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, tacos, and waffles (not necessarily eaten together).

Buying me Dr. Pepper in the glass bottles and the sugar cereal my mom wouldn’t by me.

Cleaning up after me all the time, even after I used shaving gel on a roach (yes to suffocate it, they're icky)then scooped him into a shoebox and put it in the bathroom.

Never letting my plate get empty while eating.

Listening to all your stories and how knowledgeable you are with sports, like even knowing where each player grew up and whose lawn they cut.

For listening to my scary organ playing concerts.

Every time you talk to me making me feel that I’m the most special granddaughter ever.

Worrying about my hair-do…grandma its naturally curly it has a mind of its own.

Getting to hang out with you and Grandpa in Texas… and being a wee bit spoiled.

Love you…

One giant step for mankind

Yesterday I had to do my check up with the gynee, which is slang for gynecologist (keeping you all informed). So I was kinda stressing it because it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been there or kids you have I still turn into a jumping spider. So I’m in there prepped and having the obligatory chit chat, is this paint color new, vanilla wafers are delicious and so on. Well somehow he brought up that I need a new exam in a certain area and “boom” he was already there. Now I failed to mention that I have laryngitis which causes only every other word to be clear. So the conversation was something like “wait don’t go there my god why” but of course all that came from my voice was “wait go there god”. Yeah not good plus the whole thing seemed to last a lifetime. He laughed it off and I learned I knew all the words to “Hello Dolly” and I'd never go spelunking (caving). As I left the office I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home, shower away the sin, and cry in a corner or go straight to the police station to press charges.

P.S. after telling my sister she tells me she asked a nurse and that is a normal procedure, thanks sis I wasn’t even thinking he was doing it for thrills. It’s a wonder I slept at all last night.

Just a thought

So have you ever got a leg cramp in the middle of the night where basically you just scream out but can’t do a thing. Then somehow in your frantic state you want it chopped off but if that happened you need some sort of replacement and those fancy titanium ones probably cost a good quarter mil. So you’d have to get a peg leg but then you’d need someone that whittles and who does that anymore? The only person I can think of is Geppetto and he’s got to be in his hundreds by now so he seems out of the question. If you did get the wood leg everybody would be so concerned for you but when they found you just had a late night leg cramp you’d look like a wimpy idiot. Does anyone want to change brains with me for a day so I can rest?

Connection

Today I was reading Deepak Chopra's seven brides for seven brothers or recipe for seven layer salad, something like that, anyway I was going to start practicing his suggestions and I was going to work on my acceptance- this moment is how it should be, responsibility- every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and defenselessness- relinquish the need to defend my point of view. My intentions were good and I was geared up, although reading it in the dentists office while waiting for my teenage son may have been an error. Basically when he came out with the news of two cavities and wisdom teeth removal, I knew I should hide. As we got into the car I heard the spilling of cuss words and stupid this and that. I was proud of myself I accepted the moment, then smacked him in his head. Next my 4 year old, who I have accepted is sick wanted me to stand next to him while he watched TV and cried. I took the responsibility and got in the car and drove far away. Finally my 9 year old arrived home from school complaining about Friday homework and how it was going to kill her. I accepted her anger and as she went into homework cardiac arrest I felt defenseless and let her crossover. Thank you Deepak I am really getting a grasp on this spiritual thing.

9 lives

I think I mentioned before that one of my daughters’ wishes for Christmas was that our cat would go to the vet. The cat has had tumor on her foot that perhaps I have been neglecting- (simmer down PETA) but she was acting the same and I knew it would be costly. Well it could be ignored no more because the other night it began to bleed. So my husband had to take her to emergency care. I kind of thought he left with the understanding that we have exhausted many funds in the past with this animal. So with a mafia nod he headed out. He called within an hour and the vet and he were “working the numbers”… he's negotiating? He called back again and after a handshake the bare bones operation was underway, head conk and child safety scissors (simmer down ASPCA). Firstly I sent him to do the dirty work because I couldn’t…duh. But he didn’t want to upset the kids so this is why he made this decision. Of course I told them no birthday presents for a year (simmer down DCFS). The plan was the vet would operate immediately (in the middle of the night) and then we would pick up the cat right when he was finished, so at 2 am the call came and my husband was off top pick up the cat, and he arrived home with cone head kitty. Now did I mention that we have another cat and because tumor cat was at the vet and now doesn’t smell like herself, sister cat doesn’t recognize even after their 14 year involvement so words were exchanged. Wouldn’t it be something to leave for a few hours and then not recall someone you’ve spent a years with? Yea I know that would be the bomb! (simmer down CML, Center for Memory Loss) Ok so now we had to lock her in the bathroom where in a matter of hours she had removed her protective cone, so back to the vet. When I arrived I said to the staff, “staples or super glue”, joking simmer down. The tech gets it right back on and we were back home where at this point she is royally freaked and proceeds to try and dive under the bed but because she didn’t factor in her new head width she ends up catching herself with the “dog at then end of the chain” move … and even today after a few days she catches her funnel on everything, and you should see her try and eat… pitiful… I need to get a do not resuscitate order, relax NRL.

Furturistic ideas

My washer and dryer are now hooked up computerly (that’s a Gates approved word) so they can communicate with each other. It sends the info from one to the other knowing for instance that I just did a load of whites. But I tend to disagree with the decision it makes 82% of the time. It makes me wait while it calculates, relays or whatever then I shake my head and sigh “like that’s gonna work”… do you think it hears me and will try and destroy me or my laundry… Did anyone else think when we were younger that we would have flying cars and robots by now? I never thought we would be carrying around transmitting contraptions (a.k.a cell phones) that could fit in our pockets. They can vibrate (hello), sing, and ring, send stuff, take my blood pressure, find my location, keep my appointments, but I was still kind of hoping that I would have my own robot do my laundry not go blind by typing in words to a phone. Who’s with me?