12-23-06

Last night I received a phone call from my long distance girlfriend (I can hear my husband now and my reply… “You wish”). She called to fill me in on all the local gossip. It involved a suicide, a possible affair, a divorce, and a musical. I know you (now there are two of you) want to know the ins and outs, all the details but I have to protect the source (some sort of oath I took in line at the Barnes and Noble or somewhere). Some of you may think I just stole these ideas from the movies Flashdance or Fame, and although I do adore those Oscar worthy pictures, I did not steal any plot lines. I will share that she revealed that a certain hostess at a gathering last night, changed out of her party wear and changed into her p.j.’s... mid party. Now if they were silk or flannel I cannot say but knowing her and the way she likes to dab a little Budweiser behind each ear she was probably in full party mode. With that alone I’m sure she was turning a few a men’s heads, but add her rendition of “Santa Baby” on the kitchen table… I’m sure they were eating out of her stocking. This little firecracker has been known to have a few libations and then let it all hang out (and after a few kids I’m sure it does…wink wink). Thank you Kare for the juicy tidbits… I mean Stacy… or Paula…

Also quick update on Washer Watch 2006, my husband has again “fixed” it. I’ve done two loads so far… and knock on wood; it seems to be going good. Also, I have started a little ritual where I tell “her” (has to be a woman, right?... She works so hard!) I love her when I leave. What the heck it can’t hurt right?

12-19-06

As I drive my laundry over to my sister’s house again, I now believe I have really angered the appliance “god” (my washer has broken again). In my mind I have come to realize that they (the “god” and his panel of dudes) are slowly trying to break me. On the panel are Henry, Tommy, and Paul. The appliance “god” is named Jimmy Conway (I’m sure I’ve heard those names before, I’ll just chalk it up to a vivid imagination). Now that I have that part worked out in my mind I just have to figure out what I’ve done. My first thought is that my husband has done something (they always do something wrong) but then I believe they would attack his blackberry, laptop, various cell phones, the toilet, and I could just be left out of this mess. But they aren’t so it’s back to me, hitting me where it hurts over and over. There must be some sort of patron saint of household necessities to protect me, I could hang it over my front door, bury it in the backyard, spread it on my morning toast… I’ll do whatever! Satan has entered my domain and is fiddling with my machinery … that sounds a little off... an unscrupulous act has brought woe in my abode… no odd still…Maybe if I just make a little Italian gravy and sacrifice my George Foreman grill?

12-12-06

I catch my daughter bugging the snot out of my youngest. She is repeatedly poking him. He in return decides “I’ll poke her”, but now she’s annoyed. Although she has been doing this to him for who knows how long, his 30 second retaliation has put her into scream mode (at 7 about everything puts her in drama city). Of course being the adult, parent, the role model, (who am I kidding… the oldest in the room) I try to reason with her explaining that he is just repeating her behavior (god I’m such an untrained talent it scares me). She then sets me straight, “he is invading my personal girl space”, and I pause, personal girl space? Before I can reply she then explains “and babies don’t have personal space so it’s ok!” I am curious so I ask… where did you learn that? “I made it up; I don’t even know what personal means!” and storms off. If this is a prequel to the teen years…I am definitely not wise (or patient) enough to keep up.

12-08-06

I have had repairmen in and out of this house over the past weeks (read previous posts). Right now I have two workmen in the basement replacing the furnace. Can we all say booko bucks, big cash, mucho dinero, lots of Benjamin’s, ho ho oh no… Also today as this big project is taking place my husband finds out that his company may be bought, and broken up into teeny tiny pieces (similar to the Titanic… lets hope he finds an iceberg … or even a ice cube?).What bothers me the absolute most of all is that has gone on with our “bad luck” is that a couple of days ago my husband emptied out the dishwasher, now I know some of you may be like “wow can’t get my man to do that”, I know I’m lucky(ha-ha). Any way the problem was that the dishwasher contents had yet to be cleaned. When I happened to mention this little detail he was like, “Oh well.” Needless to say I’ve had the icky grossies for the last few days, rewashing everything but it doesn’t matter because all I can think of is, what did I use, what did I touch, ugh, ugh, ugh. I think that I need to up my meds…

12-04-06

Just an update for all my peeps (I think the three of us are bonding). Last week we experienced some wonderfully warm weather, broke out the stylish capri’s. Then we were practically snowed in on Friday, but no worries the kids loved it (snow day!). The only hitch was that our elementary school had planned this vendor and craft extravaganza at the school on Friday, so I was on the horn all day calling parents to tell them its still on. This must have melted some of my brain cells (or maybe something else in my teen years… just joking Dad), because at the school that night my sister- in- law and my sister were on raffle table duty. Every time my sister said hello, hi, hola, or whatever to someone, I said hey how do you know them? Each time she reminded me that she was “greeting” people, yet for some reason I couldn’t grasp that and continued to ask her where do you know them from? Ok, people say my sister and I share a brain (and usually I have possession of it, true statement take a poll people) but I obviously had given it to her to use that night. My only concern is that I get it back because she later called me reeling off numbers about something she was adding (not a strong point for her either) and I ended up with a migraine.

11-29-06

As many of you have noticed I have not “blogged” lately (sorry to all three of you who are my faithful readers, once I get sponsorship you get a prize…cross your fingers for a turtle wax deal). This is mostly due to my lack of creativity as things around me are consistently breaking. Just brings a gal down when she has to pay a repairman instead of perhaps dropping a few bucks at Sephora or the Gap (wishful thinking that I ever have some extra bucks but if I did I know where I would spend it). It started with the furnace problems, then moved to the refrigerator, my dryer has gone wacky, and finally my washing machine. My husband stepped up to the challenged and actually fixed the washing machine only for something different to break on it. Two different repair people later and as of today (11-29-06) I’m washing again. I actually started sing as the repair guy left, there was pep in my step, and I even called people to announce the “big” news. People seemed ok with the appliance report (I’m sure they are humoring me). I mean how exciting must it sound when someone calls and drones on in a monotone voice “apparently this doohickey snapped, can’t get the part till later, 45 loads of laundry, blah wah blah”… I’m hoping I can create some riveting story that I could call people with… “He was at the door with a check… Made out to me… I know, I don’t think George Clooney’s ever been to this area…much more in person… well we are headed to Italy next week for dinner him and his crew from Ocean’s 13… I know its so last minute but he needs my help with the script…Oh, maybe a couple of weeks but you never know”…

11-17-06

Today I scared a woman, I believe she may have wet herself, attempted shoplifting, almost burned my house down, had a minute hissy fit, took a toddler into a store filled with glass and chocolate, and because of the above listed items I constantly was searching for my cell phone and car keys ( I was a basket case). First I would like to state that parking in a straight spot is harder than a slanted one, for me (I’m not sure if there are any stats on this fact but I am pretty sure that I’m right.). Also lately I feel there is a shrinkage going on of parking widths (I should probably get out there with some picket signs to bring awareness to this dilemma), that said I can explain the first item of the day. Today pulling into a Wal-Mart straight parking spot, I semi- bumped the shopping cart rack. Or maybe a little harder than that, because the lady loading her car next to it jumped (like a klipspringer, my new $5 dollar word), or maybe she is just sound sensitive? Let just say I blotch out when embarrassed and I looked like a red spotted toad. Anyway at my next destination, the grocery store, I apparently overlooked all the items in the bottom of the cart. The lady at the checkout didn’t seem amused with the “I forgot” excuse (plus I was still blotchy, which made me look a little shifty). I was just in a traumatizing accident I should have yelled but she didn’t seem like one to go to for sympathy. So next was my arrival back at my home. As I walked in I noticed it was quite warm and a bit murky as I entered the kitchen. I had forgotten that I was boiling some tea, or now you could call it a thickened hair dye, a tea jelly, perhaps something you could seal wood with or whatever. The thing about this is that I have been ragging at my husband to move all the crap that has accumulated around the water heater and furnace. I believe my nagging words have been “you’re going to burn the house down.” Last night he moved the stuff and today I prepared to burn the house down (not good if you and your husband keep score). Fourth item today was a slight little fit when I thought some items didn’t make into my bag, so I huffed and puffed, blamed the world , all the while they were right in front of my face . I had a little giggle with myself over that one. Then barely time to clean up, consume a half of bologna sandwich, and me and the babe were out the door to meet his Aunt at World Market. Of course he was tired and fell asleep a minute before I parked (no incidents, thank you). So entering into a breakable store, as we parents call it was not a brilliant move on my half. Summing up the trip, included him ripping open food items and eating them, spazzing out in their narrowest aisle full of glassware, and leaving my sister-in- law on her own because he was screaming “home”. In between this madness I kept thinking I’ve locked my keys in the car or lost them and same with the phone. I must have looking like a paranoid druggie searching my pockets and purse every two minutes. Finally I just took an intermission while writing this story to fix dinner and just wanted to add that if something says “Easy Open” or “Tear here” or anything else that alludes to that promise… they’re lying!!!!!

11-15-06

I’ve had crazy dreams lately and one of ‘em was last night… I was at the Oprah show, I only had $23, which I was keeping in my back pocket (detailed, huh?) Kid Rock was performing (?) and I needed to find a seat. I finally found a seat in a black chair, there was an area of black chairs, and all the other chairs in the place were a different color. The performance started, Oprah offered my money to buy the band ice cream??? Then I look over at the other people in the black chairs and they were all in black and having a silent wedding, I guess that’s what was happening because there was a minister, a bride, and groom but no one was speaking, that’s where I get the silent part (Mensa, remember) but don’t get the all in black. So one song (could I have taken more than one song?) and everyone starts leaving, I rush to get out of there because I don’t want to give Oprah my $23 bucks, I mean couldn’t she have asked the 200 audience members to chip in? No she wanted to scrape me of my funds, how dare you Oprah! I rush past cheerleaders (?) out to the courtyard (never been to Oprah don’t know if she’s even got a courtyard). I’m wading through the pond trying to talk to anyone who knows if I can get a bus or a train back home. I was then mugged but no worries, I wrestled my money back. Out of nowhere my niece and daughter show up and now they have to get home too. I finally see I sign for a tour bus heading to my hometown. We rush to get in line but the lady tells us you had to pre- purchase tickets for this trip. I tell the kids that it’s okay because the bus was all open, no sides, and no bathroom, we would have been cold… and then I wake up. What the heck does all that mean???? Why couldn’t I be on Oprah’s favorites show with Brad Pitt? (I’m still a little angry about the whole Jen thing, but Brad you still look good) What’s with Kid Rock…? I may need some sort of medical intervention… silent weddings… wading through water… $23 dollars, is that some sort of sign? My lucky number? Only eat 23 M&M’s at a time…

11-13-06

Is it wrong that my kids are upstairs plotting a way to scare the beejesus out of their father and aunt? Aunt is coming over soon and dad is on his way home, so whoever gets here first…. Of course the ringleader is the 14 year old in the ski mask. The other two are just along for the ride waiting on whatever orders he dreams up. At this point anything in the ski mask will probably work, and I am a pro, because I’ve been scaring the pants off them for as long as I can remember. I invented hiding in the shower awaiting the arrival of any unsuspecting victim, that’s wrong isn’t it? Well I can’t help it if we are a family who likes to create their own fun. The problem is now they have gotten to quiet… I believe they’ve changed their plan of attack (to me)… I must ambush the ambushers (them) before the ambushed (me) is ambushed.

Got them! I was a chameleon on the stairs listening for their next move. Then …Boo! Just an F.Y.I, don’t frighten someone if they have something in their hand, nature takes over and you’ll be beat down like rabid dog. Ow…

11-08-06 #2

What do you get when you mix errands with a toddler that doesn’t sleep? Answer: A mom in tears. We just had two places to run after school. Not being able to get the bambinos socks on should have been hint on how the trip was going to go (especially when my 7 year old was trying to help me get him ready and she told me that the socks were broken…What?). The first errand was a breeze the next one, not so much. I, of course, had to go to the grocery store to get dinner because of my faulty fridge (which the guy fixed it, just to get him out here was a measly $173.00. Thank goodness money grows on trees *wink wink*.) Anyway I have no food on the premises except for soup, peanut butter, and Halloween candy. Which has some of the major food groups, right? I was just going to run in, grab pizzas and leave but you know that never works. Each of my adorable children were voicing their concerns (how P.C. is that) on each and every choice I made… and running amok, pinching, hitting, and the all round sticking out of tongues. But when it came to the toddler licking the freezer… inside and out…He was LICKING the freezer! I think I cracked. And why when the licking occurred it was in slow-mo? As I reached for him I swear they were piping in the Bionic Woman theme song, and once I pulled him away he slowly stuck out his tongue for one last go. Ugh. What is it with the licking of stuff! Fire hydrants, towels, freezers, god knows what else. I gagged, picked him up and headed for the check out line, and go ahead report me; we went in the 15 items or less with 17 items. That’s how on edge I was. I then headed home, dried my face; oh did I mention the toddler, who was licking the grocery store freezer moments ago, was trying to make up (or should I say make out) with me in line. I know the boy has never been to France but he was all over me with their trademark kiss. I put the few items away in the fridge (repair guy said not to use it tills it cool off, but I thought emptying the now water filled coolers, which now only held four or five items each (juice boxes or water), wouldn’t hurt. Then as I dumped the coolers… on my legs, what am I a moron, I aimed away but, whatever just my luck. Next I dropped pizza on my shirt, rubbed my tear stained eyes with make-up on (were talking liner and mascara but not Tammy Faye) and then realized I needed to be at the school P.T.O meeting. Well that’s when I thought I would just jot down a portion of my day before I leave. Now let’s just hope I don’t scare anyone off with my wet legged, pizza stained, make-up smeared, and germ infested face.