Staff of Life

My sister is on an app called My Fitness Pal. On this app you can record what you eat, when you exercise and it will keep track of your personal calories. I thought why not, I will download and watch what I eat too. You enter in your person stuff like height, weight, goals, and etc. And it gives you the number of calories you should have per day- pretty easy. So I enter what I eat and it breaks it down into what I have left, calorie wise and it also puts what I've eaten into a into a pie chart (mmmm pie). So basically I discover that all I eat is carbs and fat. Well I don't want to know that! I tell my sister this sucks. I will starve if I take out those out of my daily food intake they are my primary food groups. She says, "they all tell us not to eat carbs", I say, " 'they' are angry angry dead people invading blissful living peoples bodies and trying to make us suffer as much as they did!" Mean irritable ghosts are just people who suffered without 'happy food'. My theory. A&E or Sci-Fi (whichever channel) can have 'Ghost Hunters' just lay out some warm crusty on the outside soft on the inside bread and put it in haunted houses and boom problems solved. Your welcome. Sorry, I'm just pissy because I haven't had enough organic compounds composed of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen, Thank you dictionary.com...

Purrrrr

I am a lazy human which translates to I am a cat. I can sleep 16 hours a day. I can get up to do my business, bathroom, eat and have some water. I move from furniture to furniture sitting on couch, chair, floor, but ultimately I make my way back to the warmth of the bed. There I stretch, roll, curl up, and eventually fall asleep. Sometimes when I am awoken I stir, wipe at my eyes, and even make a sort of meow type sound. I might even get up at that point or roll over back to my comatose sleep. Sure I bathe in a real bathroom using a real shower with real soap products, I'm not a total double jointed freak that you read about in... ok I'm gonna stop there because for one I just threw up in my mouth a little. And I'm technically an outdoor cat otherwise I would be an indoor (duh) and with people there's some type of phobia link to indoorism- scaredtogooutphobia or something like that. I even shed, I have a mop of hair on top of my head and like cat hair you find it anywhere I roam. I also know cats don't read or write like I am now...unless they are speaking to me in a cat language that only cats communicate to each other and they are telling me I'm a flipping cat! Crap! Now I talk to cats, this revelation is making me tired...pet me...that's me talking...I think??

In a Flash

I have to share! The working out is finally paying off! I got up and had a huge breakfast, I mean BIG. Eggs, French toast, bacon, some hash browns, I was wobbling full. Later I went to the movies and got the barrel of popcorn and gallon of pop and of course I had to pee during the movie! I hate that, I pay $2,000 for the show and snacks I don't want to miss anything, sucky or not.  And it wasn't sucky, it was 'Silver Linings Playbook' which I totally recommend. So I  ran to the bathroom, I was literally running. Only knocking down two small children, tripping myself once, and embarrassing myself ... Ok joking on two of those last three items!! But I ran to the loo (fancy toilet word) and ran back to my seat with all that crap in my gut, no heaving breathing, and I didn't puke! I know you are all amazed, now if I could just look like one of those female Olympic volleyball players, maybe if I cut back on the big breakfasts and popcorn? Ha- ha hahaha...no...

Truth

An elliptical machine is just a like being in a marching band but without the enthusiasm or gigantic cymbals.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition 2014?

I have continued to work-out doing the spin classes twice a week. I believe I have said before that the instructor has stayed after to take us under her wing, pushing us to do more exercises. The big inflated ball is what we use for a lot of them. The ball is used for push-ups, sit-ups, lunges, a roll off the ball smash your face in the hardwood floor thing, leg lifts, and more things that show my uncoordinated self. We have the yoga mat on the floor as we work and the instructor will come by me hovering and say "the faces you make" and laugh, I'm thinking I have no idea what my face is doing as I'm just trying not to pull, break, tear, or hyperventilate any part of my body. Apparently I'm quite the comedian, no words just face actions. If silent movies come back I'm a shoe-in. We also use weights, cuz these guns won't load themselves...hahahaha...oh ok. But the next day after my marathon workout I will have some twinges in my ab, not abs I only got one. And maybe a sore butt cheek, I know a pain in the butt... hahahaha...oh ok, but not the whole butt. But now the biggest accomplishment is I have added an extra day of exertion, don't get all rah rah sis boom bah for me yet. I do the elliptical which is the legs up and down and arms back and forth machine. This thing is mean, like 10 minutes in and I'm sweating and gasping for air. It's what people do when they pull themselves through the desert towards the beautiful palm covered pond, only to discover that it's a mirage and you need to snap out of it and get off the f*^#ing contraption and save yourself!! Nap time is now anytime, I do try to restrain myself while driving but other than that I could snooze anytime or anywhere. If I'm not passed out  look for me me strutting my hard abbed and one buttock higher that the other self at your local grocery store searching for food to feed the muscled beast I may become...hahahaha...oh...ok....

Sitting Pretty

Oscar night! My red carpet look is cotton, slouchy, couch attached to my ass chic. My look is provided by Old Ikea, Old Navy and Ikea's new venture into the world of fashion. I will be munching on my household staple of M&M's. Be envious and jealous, I understand.

Liar, Liar

I went to get a new scale, as the one I have at home seems to be on the fritz. After weighing myself on mine, the number seemed way off and I have the sense its thinking to hard. So I went to Target and picked up a new fancy calibrated by monks on top of a mountain in Nepal, sturdy as The Rock, lifetime battery, with all the bells and whistles scale, let's hope it whistles "woot woo". I got it home, stripped down- not even a sock left, and stepped on it. Unbelievably its wrong too, that same pesky number came up! It's not even close to the number on my drivers license! I guess I have to write a letter to the makers of the scale...Dear Scale Maker, I'm thinking of a number, appropriate to my height and hair mass, you are not close, so I'm asking for a refund. I hope in the future you can provide me with customer satisfaction....

Happy President's Day!

Taylor sends out tweet, "all-you-can-eat at IHOP, boyzzz! President's only!" Buchanan quickly mass texts, leaving out Polk. "Don't invite Polk he just likes to brag how he 'inspired' the Washington Monument, he will be all like, "My tailor had to take these pants out again fellas!" Then asking for fist bumps, such an ass!"   Harding texts back, "don't forget Hoover, dam this and dam that, it's a frickin wall to keep out water! I know I wasn't that popular but I did drop that Budget Bureau thing! People still talking about that in '98! And don't even get me started on Lincoln, "Spielberg made a movie about me, you see Sally Field is my wife- hubba hubba, so cocky!" Nixon texts, "come on guys forgive and forget I say!" Carter chimes in, "shut up Dick." And so on and on...

It's Me, Zella!

	I found this definition for Zella on urban dictionary, the title of my blog is 'My Life So Far' with Zella attached. I borrowed the name Zella from my great-great grandma or just one great can't remember. I loved this entry and wanted to share it.  I'm sure it would apply to her as it applies to me today (ha-ha)...GG Zella walking down a dirt path in her floor length dress, white bonnet, and small kerchief tied around her neck, a little dusty with a sun-kissed glow on her cheeks but looking fine as in F.I.N.E!
	1. ZELLA A totally sexy babe. Guys want to be with her, girls want to be her. She knows she's gorgeous, and flaunts it. Boyfriend: damn that was one fine zella walkin by Girlfriend: but you like me better, right? Boyfriend: can't say that I do {chases the zella}

Rump shaker

Someday after accidentally exposing my ass in the unshaded home window I will be able to tweet something witty and make the twitter hash tag #thankyouspinclassIdon'thateyoutoday. Until then the duck and cover rule applies...