When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin

Pet peeves

Grandma got the kids a fish tank, its little 3 pounds or gallons. Her reasoning is so my youngest (who’s four) can work on his F words. I said maybe not being able to say F isn’t bad as my teenager loves F words and I don’t think it’s going to help with career advancement or anything. Now the tank is mostly for the two youngest so they picked out two fish each, named them proudly, and 24 hours later one is dead. Now it’s my daughters’ fish and being the #1 drama queen sobs and says the worlds against her. So back to the store and two more tiny swimmers are added to the aquarium. Now 24 hours later one fish is missing… that’s right missing (you should have seen the looks on the neighbors faces as I put up the flyers,Charlie the tuna picture was the best I could do on short notice.)Anyway I think he heard about the other “incident” and evolved right out of the tank, knew we were amateurs and took off. My daughter thinks the worlds against her, and the 4 year old thinks he pulled a Nemo back to ocean with loved ones; of course ocean is a stretch being that we are in the Midwest but his story is the sweetest. And for Grandma he is using his new F words… fatality, fled,... sushi (not F’s but hard S’s)…

TO MY DAD

Walking history lessons

For always carrying around a pen and paper to try to explain what you’re talking about

Forever trying to explain even after we’ve all walked away

Keeping the remote control to the TV close at hand, so none of us get any ideas

Spontaneous golf swinging

Slipping me “mad money”

Sneezing extravagantly to always make us laugh

Watching you drive with your knees to the wheel

Watching you “back seat” drive in the passenger’s seat

Spontaneous pacing

Not only book brilliant but also has a plethora of useless information

Always sharing fruit

The ability to get along in a room full of different people

Constantly “checking in” and giving us updates

Foot rubs

Being able to “rest your eyes” and carry on a semi-understandable conversation

Humbleness

Fortunately or unfortunately seeing myself in you…

Happy Father’s Day

Dated

When arguing with your teenager about being cool and as the parent you are saying, “I was cool too” but at some point in the conversation after you've said, blue eye shadow, Jordache jeans, and high tops you should retreat and go cry in your pillow.

Invisible insects

After studying my sister in the “great” outdoors (her backyard) I have come to the conclusion that she does have a total bug phobia and/or Tourette’s syndrome. Either way, watching her flail and thrash about for something I never did see was precious. I just wish I had powers, possibly to be a bug whisperer (big dreams) so that I could amuse myself at any time.

It's elementary...

So my daughter and I have been playing the “Nancy Drew” mystery computer games. We have successfully solved 3 whodunits and frightfully it’s all been done on the “junior” level, the box says 10 to adult but that’s a Doogy Howser 10 year old (at least that’s how I have been deluding myself). These little buggers are tricky and they all make you read and learn stuff…Ugh…the last story had a horse so we were knee high in horse s*%t… ha-ha I made a funny, and yes I crack myself up because who else will I say? So anyway it had the anatomy of the horse like in the hoof area there’s a thing called a frog? Or what they eat, signs to see if the eaten too much, different types of horses and crap (he-hee) like that. Well like I said these puzzlers are tough so we discovered the website that has hints (yes, junior level and hints, pitiful.) Originally when finding it the message boards had all the hints blacked out and me all calm and cool, how are we ever gonna finish this bleepiditty bleep bleep, I mean really what’s that help blacking out the answers! My daughter quiescently ( I need to use a big word because I’m still sassy!) showed me you just right click and highlight and the answer and it magically shows up…am I surprised that a nine year must guide me…I must go back to the day of the “Where’s Waldo” books where I had a fighting chance...

4 servings a day?

You know you're a great parent when you can hide your “stash” of candy bars in the fruit drawer of the refrigerator and no one has yet to discover it.

The next Larry David?

Sarcasm and 4 years olds don’t mix. Because of my reply each time he's yelled out, “come wipe my butt!”, he instead now yells to me, “come do your favorite thing!” That is so wrong on many levels, unless he is already using the gift of sarcasm … genius perhaps?

Cannot live by test alone!

So in researching this Myers Briggs thingee I thought I’d add who my “perfect match” would be, these are the few names that stood out and I thought thank god for this test so I don’t waste anymore of my life.

1. Fred Rodgers

2. William Shakespeare

Now number 3 and 4 are the best so hold onto to your hats,

3. E.T.

4. My favorite is Helen Keller

So I think I see an obvious pattern which is communication. Mr. Rodgers whom I will never hear over my own booming voice, besides the fact he’s deceased which will also make it tougher. Hark yonder visions art thou, yea that’ll last, a Muppet who will constantly want to “go home” and always pointing at me. And lastly someone who will not hear or see me at all…ouch, what a catch am I.

So I don’t really know how I got on the mate aspect of this thing so I think I’ll turn to the career angle and see what path that leads me on… home economics and bookkeeping…I’m screwed…

Are you "In"competent?

The Myers Briggs personality test…http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp, I recommend taking it and see where you fall. I am an ESFJ, I know most of you think that stands for “extremely sexy female jokester” and… you’d be right but that’s another website for another day. This ESFJ stands for “extraverted sensing feeling judging” which means I’m a hyper-vigilant (paranoid) entertaining (like a car wreck?) control freak (Martha?) that wrestles with “right or wrong”(I’m 4 years old) and gets their feelings hurt easily (big baby). Sad and here are my famous ESFJ’s counterparts… Don Knotts (true and scary), Loni Anderson (really?), and Donald Duck (believe or not, I relate). Now what I found amusing is that you can look into who would be compatible with you…boy the guys got to be frightful, looking for a toddler to fold his towels while dancing and singing all the while worrying about if everyone’s washed their hands but also crying about whether to return the accidentally swiped Band-Aids from the bottom of the shopping cart… wow, I sound hotter than I thought I would. How much would that cost to put on a personal ad?