Typical

My 4 year old is fascinated with boobs and today he said “I just can’t stop thinking about breasts.” His dad will be proud and millions of women can begin to roll their eyes.

Hanging by a thread or web...

Yesterday was perfect weather. My kids and their cousins outside playing, getting along beautifully. They discover some “humongous” spider that they pretty much took turns torturing, I on the other hand was not in the mood to look at the arachnid, basically so I didn’t creep myself out. This though gave me the gung ho’ness to clean up the yard of lost and forgotten toys tools and whatnots. Cousins left and I kept on my mission of pouring water out of, shaking cobwebs off and collecting all lost treasures. But it was when my 4 year old began to point at my back and mumble something in Fat Albert Mush mouth speak, I turn to my nine year old and said “what’s on my back?” This is when she screamed and took off as if Johnny Olson had to her to “Come on down, you’re the next contestant on The Price is Right”. Hands in the air and a shriek that I know brought all the neighbors to their windows or doors, even after she was miles away it continued as she ran in circles. At this point I was a tad bit concerned… he-he… that perhaps the elephantine spider that they were playing with had perhaps latched onto me. And being on my back and not being able to see left me apprehensive…he-he. So I calmly ask my 4 year old to get it off but at this point he was slightly freaked and in awe of his sister so he took off too. Alone. Trying to breathe, like they teach you in Lamaze, talking to myself,”it’s more scared of you” (Oh sure after being crucified by rugrats!), “its probably crawling away as we speak” (yeah right into my hair!), “it’s probably fallen off because of the earth shattering screams” (crap its laying its eggs and staying put for fear of death!) So I pull it together walk to the door and begin calling (screeching) to my 16 year old whose response time to most of my calls is 20 to 30 minutes. Finally in what seems to be slow motion he comes to the door annoyed bothered and pissed that I have beckoned him but this quickly turns to curiosity since my daughter is still a tizzy like in an Abbott and Costello movie. I who at this point have no words left…well words I can't tell in this story, show him my back and he flicks away a small beetle,yes a small beetle (not the Frankenstein of spiders). Now my 4 year old goes to pick it up and asks if we can keep it, it’s so cute. What!!! I have aged 12 years in this incident I’m homicidal and deaf because my daughter is still at it, the energy she has used could probably run a small town. This is the point of the story where Sammy Jo gets slapped (Dynasty), (calm down didn’t do it). Now it’s been 24 hours I guess I’ll let bygones be bygones and let her back in the house….

Call my people...

Now that Michael Phelps is the Gold medal champ it’s time for the endorsements to roll in.
**Drinking to much pool water? Got swimmers toot? GAS-X will insure no more embarrassing water bubbles.
**Michael Phelps has been around the world, our filet o’fish is composed of fish found around the world! Two legendary swimmers coming together at McDonalds.
**Keep that swimmers body smooth and hairless with our new improved vitamin enriched Nair!
This guy will make millions I can see his agent going at it now “Now longer will people ask for a Phillips head screwdriver, from now on it’s the Phelps!” “Who’s MJ, its MP baby!”
Now for poor women’s gymnastics, disastrous, mistakes of epic proportions, one of my faves that’s the best she can do, those commentators have the thesaurus handy at every turn. Basically another tear the girls apart on national TV extravaganza, “Ah how will she face her teammates after that…Put this one on suicide watch tonight I mean really…her coach is whispering in her ear, if this was anywhere else we’d have you put down after you walk off the mat…” I know I’m such a girl, such a non athletic girl, I never had the desire to crush, rip, tear, or smash anyone’s face, leg , or whatever else is on the body. Go gold or go home…

Perfect 10

Its summer Olympics time and I always like the gymnastics. But every time I watch I think the commentators get rougher and rougher on the athletes. Watching team USA tonight it all started with the floor exercise and I’m not sure if they are doing well or not, to me it all looks difficult (I mean you should see me do my “roll” out of bed routine in the morn…total Nadia). All the commentators are saying, let’s see if she can overcome the jitters that they all should feel with the many problems they have… Oh no, foot out of bounds lets hope she can handle the stress at the drive-thru better then she’s held up here. Ouch. Uneven bars- this girl has done this routine a million times… Oh so sad, it always happens on a million and one maybe she’ll stay even tempered as the cashier at the back to school sale at Payless. Here the toughest performance tonight on the balance beam, twist, back flip, Oh… rats’ maybe better luck keeping that checkbook balanced, remember those IHOP tips are taxable, Einstein. Finally the vault if this girl can pull it together long enough maybe she’ll be in medal contention… just dreadful, maybe she could get some character work at Disney World, the crowds go wild when the dwarfs can do a little tumbling. Is this one of those what doesn’t make you cry makes you stronger athlete things? Sticks and stones Just DO it, and all that jazz…

WMD's

Let’s be real, boys will do anything to have some sort of weapon. They will make them out of a peanut butter sandwich, Lego’s, a piece of paper, or even an eyelash, they all turn into mini MacGyver’s but flush a toilet or wash their hands and all you get is a wide eyed Gary Busey stare. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the little terrors would chew off their own arm just to get to the bone which in turn they could stab someone with. Now that’s said let’s talk about their ultimate weapon… penises. Can they keep those little gems to themselves? Nope you could gift wrap them everyday and they are just as surprised. It’s like any top toy, its flexible, it squirts, it can scare off many people in a second, and you can never lose it (minuses the Lorena Bobbitt incidents). Really. And once they turn into men they still continually talk about their sword, rifle, bayonet, whatever, and how lucky we are to have met them and how would we like to go "battle"… or better yet a Star Trek aficionado that wants to set his phaser to stun...Oh I'm stunned alright... Ugh… can you tell I’m a bit on the edge …do they still do lobotomy’s?

Mucho dinero

It has come to my attention that there is money to be made out there and I have a few ideas. Firstly 14 million for baby pictures?! I have many baby pictures and let me say they are adorable. I definitely will not charge much money and I am willing to part with them. I also have thought ok so maybe no one want to see “my” baby pictures how about if I say they’re of some one else… see where I’m going. Now I had dark curly hair I’m thinking I need to jump on the Jonas Brothers wagon, whose gonna know? They all have dark curly hair, I’m in. I know I'm a girl but who will know and they're pretty anyway. Girls will pay to have a one of a kind snapshot from their youth… Cha-ching. Secondly the rumor was going around that they would pay Brett Farve 20 million not to play football, hello I’m right here I’ll stay away for a fraction of that or I could promote football. Perhaps bring the numbers up by having a spokesperson for an untapped moms market. NFL you feel me? You get me some jerseys, some cash, a pimped out Escalade, and I’ll do the rest. Help me help you… See "Jerry Maguire" reference...a sports movie... got a million of 'em...ya'll need me