11-29-06

As many of you have noticed I have not “blogged” lately (sorry to all three of you who are my faithful readers, once I get sponsorship you get a prize…cross your fingers for a turtle wax deal). This is mostly due to my lack of creativity as things around me are consistently breaking. Just brings a gal down when she has to pay a repairman instead of perhaps dropping a few bucks at Sephora or the Gap (wishful thinking that I ever have some extra bucks but if I did I know where I would spend it). It started with the furnace problems, then moved to the refrigerator, my dryer has gone wacky, and finally my washing machine. My husband stepped up to the challenged and actually fixed the washing machine only for something different to break on it. Two different repair people later and as of today (11-29-06) I’m washing again. I actually started sing as the repair guy left, there was pep in my step, and I even called people to announce the “big” news. People seemed ok with the appliance report (I’m sure they are humoring me). I mean how exciting must it sound when someone calls and drones on in a monotone voice “apparently this doohickey snapped, can’t get the part till later, 45 loads of laundry, blah wah blah”… I’m hoping I can create some riveting story that I could call people with… “He was at the door with a check… Made out to me… I know, I don’t think George Clooney’s ever been to this area…much more in person… well we are headed to Italy next week for dinner him and his crew from Ocean’s 13… I know its so last minute but he needs my help with the script…Oh, maybe a couple of weeks but you never know”…

11-17-06

Today I scared a woman, I believe she may have wet herself, attempted shoplifting, almost burned my house down, had a minute hissy fit, took a toddler into a store filled with glass and chocolate, and because of the above listed items I constantly was searching for my cell phone and car keys ( I was a basket case). First I would like to state that parking in a straight spot is harder than a slanted one, for me (I’m not sure if there are any stats on this fact but I am pretty sure that I’m right.). Also lately I feel there is a shrinkage going on of parking widths (I should probably get out there with some picket signs to bring awareness to this dilemma), that said I can explain the first item of the day. Today pulling into a Wal-Mart straight parking spot, I semi- bumped the shopping cart rack. Or maybe a little harder than that, because the lady loading her car next to it jumped (like a klipspringer, my new $5 dollar word), or maybe she is just sound sensitive? Let just say I blotch out when embarrassed and I looked like a red spotted toad. Anyway at my next destination, the grocery store, I apparently overlooked all the items in the bottom of the cart. The lady at the checkout didn’t seem amused with the “I forgot” excuse (plus I was still blotchy, which made me look a little shifty). I was just in a traumatizing accident I should have yelled but she didn’t seem like one to go to for sympathy. So next was my arrival back at my home. As I walked in I noticed it was quite warm and a bit murky as I entered the kitchen. I had forgotten that I was boiling some tea, or now you could call it a thickened hair dye, a tea jelly, perhaps something you could seal wood with or whatever. The thing about this is that I have been ragging at my husband to move all the crap that has accumulated around the water heater and furnace. I believe my nagging words have been “you’re going to burn the house down.” Last night he moved the stuff and today I prepared to burn the house down (not good if you and your husband keep score). Fourth item today was a slight little fit when I thought some items didn’t make into my bag, so I huffed and puffed, blamed the world , all the while they were right in front of my face . I had a little giggle with myself over that one. Then barely time to clean up, consume a half of bologna sandwich, and me and the babe were out the door to meet his Aunt at World Market. Of course he was tired and fell asleep a minute before I parked (no incidents, thank you). So entering into a breakable store, as we parents call it was not a brilliant move on my half. Summing up the trip, included him ripping open food items and eating them, spazzing out in their narrowest aisle full of glassware, and leaving my sister-in- law on her own because he was screaming “home”. In between this madness I kept thinking I’ve locked my keys in the car or lost them and same with the phone. I must have looking like a paranoid druggie searching my pockets and purse every two minutes. Finally I just took an intermission while writing this story to fix dinner and just wanted to add that if something says “Easy Open” or “Tear here” or anything else that alludes to that promise… they’re lying!!!!!

11-15-06

I’ve had crazy dreams lately and one of ‘em was last night… I was at the Oprah show, I only had $23, which I was keeping in my back pocket (detailed, huh?) Kid Rock was performing (?) and I needed to find a seat. I finally found a seat in a black chair, there was an area of black chairs, and all the other chairs in the place were a different color. The performance started, Oprah offered my money to buy the band ice cream??? Then I look over at the other people in the black chairs and they were all in black and having a silent wedding, I guess that’s what was happening because there was a minister, a bride, and groom but no one was speaking, that’s where I get the silent part (Mensa, remember) but don’t get the all in black. So one song (could I have taken more than one song?) and everyone starts leaving, I rush to get out of there because I don’t want to give Oprah my $23 bucks, I mean couldn’t she have asked the 200 audience members to chip in? No she wanted to scrape me of my funds, how dare you Oprah! I rush past cheerleaders (?) out to the courtyard (never been to Oprah don’t know if she’s even got a courtyard). I’m wading through the pond trying to talk to anyone who knows if I can get a bus or a train back home. I was then mugged but no worries, I wrestled my money back. Out of nowhere my niece and daughter show up and now they have to get home too. I finally see I sign for a tour bus heading to my hometown. We rush to get in line but the lady tells us you had to pre- purchase tickets for this trip. I tell the kids that it’s okay because the bus was all open, no sides, and no bathroom, we would have been cold… and then I wake up. What the heck does all that mean???? Why couldn’t I be on Oprah’s favorites show with Brad Pitt? (I’m still a little angry about the whole Jen thing, but Brad you still look good) What’s with Kid Rock…? I may need some sort of medical intervention… silent weddings… wading through water… $23 dollars, is that some sort of sign? My lucky number? Only eat 23 M&M’s at a time…

11-13-06

Is it wrong that my kids are upstairs plotting a way to scare the beejesus out of their father and aunt? Aunt is coming over soon and dad is on his way home, so whoever gets here first…. Of course the ringleader is the 14 year old in the ski mask. The other two are just along for the ride waiting on whatever orders he dreams up. At this point anything in the ski mask will probably work, and I am a pro, because I’ve been scaring the pants off them for as long as I can remember. I invented hiding in the shower awaiting the arrival of any unsuspecting victim, that’s wrong isn’t it? Well I can’t help it if we are a family who likes to create their own fun. The problem is now they have gotten to quiet… I believe they’ve changed their plan of attack (to me)… I must ambush the ambushers (them) before the ambushed (me) is ambushed.

Got them! I was a chameleon on the stairs listening for their next move. Then …Boo! Just an F.Y.I, don’t frighten someone if they have something in their hand, nature takes over and you’ll be beat down like rabid dog. Ow…

11-08-06 #2

What do you get when you mix errands with a toddler that doesn’t sleep? Answer: A mom in tears. We just had two places to run after school. Not being able to get the bambinos socks on should have been hint on how the trip was going to go (especially when my 7 year old was trying to help me get him ready and she told me that the socks were broken…What?). The first errand was a breeze the next one, not so much. I, of course, had to go to the grocery store to get dinner because of my faulty fridge (which the guy fixed it, just to get him out here was a measly $173.00. Thank goodness money grows on trees *wink wink*.) Anyway I have no food on the premises except for soup, peanut butter, and Halloween candy. Which has some of the major food groups, right? I was just going to run in, grab pizzas and leave but you know that never works. Each of my adorable children were voicing their concerns (how P.C. is that) on each and every choice I made… and running amok, pinching, hitting, and the all round sticking out of tongues. But when it came to the toddler licking the freezer… inside and out…He was LICKING the freezer! I think I cracked. And why when the licking occurred it was in slow-mo? As I reached for him I swear they were piping in the Bionic Woman theme song, and once I pulled him away he slowly stuck out his tongue for one last go. Ugh. What is it with the licking of stuff! Fire hydrants, towels, freezers, god knows what else. I gagged, picked him up and headed for the check out line, and go ahead report me; we went in the 15 items or less with 17 items. That’s how on edge I was. I then headed home, dried my face; oh did I mention the toddler, who was licking the grocery store freezer moments ago, was trying to make up (or should I say make out) with me in line. I know the boy has never been to France but he was all over me with their trademark kiss. I put the few items away in the fridge (repair guy said not to use it tills it cool off, but I thought emptying the now water filled coolers, which now only held four or five items each (juice boxes or water), wouldn’t hurt. Then as I dumped the coolers… on my legs, what am I a moron, I aimed away but, whatever just my luck. Next I dropped pizza on my shirt, rubbed my tear stained eyes with make-up on (were talking liner and mascara but not Tammy Faye) and then realized I needed to be at the school P.T.O meeting. Well that’s when I thought I would just jot down a portion of my day before I leave. Now let’s just hope I don’t scare anyone off with my wet legged, pizza stained, make-up smeared, and germ infested face.

11-08-06

in‧con‧ti‧nent  /ɪnˈkɒn tn ənt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-kon-tn-uh nt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective

1.unable to restrain natural discharges or evacuations of urine

I= interesting,
N= normally
C = constrained
O= opening
N= now
T= trickles,
I= inconvenient
N= nuisance
E= every
N= nasal
T = tickle


Why me? Who thought one little sneeze could cause a mental breakdown….

11-06-06

So every Sunday I work all day. The place I work at has part of the building closed from 7 am to 5 pm, but during the day I do venture to that part (notice how I don’t reveal too much about myself or I’d have mobs showing up at my work to meet “the funny lady”.) Discreet is my middle name… So anyway the first time I went down to that part of the building I smelled fish and just thought someone must have thrown some fish away (I know Mensa keeps calling me, they want to pick my brain for other brilliant deductions.) I did nothing about it, the next two times I was in and out quickly, bothered by the smell but not really wanting to know what the heck it was. Well the fourth time I could take it no more. The smell had grown to a mixture of fish, dirty diapers, and other unmentionables. I began my intense investigation, smelling the two refrigerators , the garbage cans, then wandering up to the landing where we have three freezers (intrigued by my work environment aren’t you). The first freezer I opened, I knew I had found the problem. Not only did the smell knock me back twenty feet, I also went into gag mode. Looking inside the funky freezer unmasked a murder scene! Not really but boy you could have fooled most anyone, with the defrosted hamburger meat and other unidentifiable meats that were leaking there blood juices everywhere (Stephen King could whip up a novel with these ingredients). Now it was around 2:30pm when I discovered this and knew with the place opening up a 5:00pm that this stench could cause some spontaneous spewing. I had to clean it out. In my favor I did have another person with me, to lug the unnamed remains out to the garbage (can you say “vegetarian”). Not pleasant, I mean I just cleaned out my own fridge, remember. The other person (wonderful, kind, and generous) offered to clean the freezer (to prevent the spewing) while I prepared for the 5 o’clock opening. I was beat, just dragging down that stuff and the emanation of rot and now bleach was almost a bit too much. Did I mention I was preparing food now (just reheating). Yea me, I’ve just added another odor. So anyway when my replacement arrived I wanted out, like when Lisa Marie was married to Michael. I had that vision of them in my head; I finally had to call a hypnotist, but that didn’t work, then there was a voodoo doctor…oh never mind, you get the picture. I don’t really have an ending other than I made it home to my fridgeless abode…until next time on “Turmoil’s of the Unfrozen”.

P.S. Happy Anniversary to my hubby.

11-04-06

I’m writing this as I need a break from cleaning out my fridge. Some of you who know me think I’m just having an anal moment, but you would be wrong. My frickin” fridge quit working last night! It turned all the contents to a savory 68 degrees, yum. That’s right; I’m dumping out every little product, making an unwanted experiment in the sink. Every bit I poured out saddened me, even the ranch dressing from 1999 (although you can’t eat it, it just soothes the soul knowing its there.) What makes matters worse is that my fridge is only a year and a half, and because of this, it’s under a “limited warranty” I can only go to a certain repair place. Luckily for me they can fit me in to their busy schedule on Wednesday…Wednesday? When the lady on the phone told me this I tried to keep my cool saying I wanted to be squeezed in earlier, but nothing. She ends the call by saying is there anything else I can help you with today… “Yes a fridge I need a fridge” she didn’t even find humor in this statement (even in stress I’m funny but no laughter back… makes me cold and impersonal, “tear”.) So now as I’m scrubbing off dried up chocolate sauce (even in this sad form it looks delicious), the doorbell rings. I swear to god (that means in no way shape or form am I joking, just ask my sister) there were two church goers at the door handing out a flyer titled something like the end is near. I nodded and accepted the pamphlet. I walked right back into the kitchen, stopped pissing and moaning and took a shower. Just my luck I now have to go to Wal-Mart and stock up on flashlights and batteries, I’m sure I’ll survive the “end” with the all cockroaches and that would be crappy without light. And to think I was all was all broken up about no refrigerator and losing a couple hundred bucks. What’s “money” going to be at the finale anyway… hopefully it won’t be ice cubes.

10-31-06

Ah Halloween night,
Where no matter how freakishly warm it is the day before, today breaks record lows. Now all princesses and goblins have chattering teeth and are sporting down and mukluks.

Where daylight savings is only 2 days prior, but no one is home at 4:00p.m and at 5:00p.m you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

Where your four year old nephew decides this year he will be very talkative with the “Trick or Treats” and “Thank Yous” but also likes to add on “poo-poo head” and “foo-foo head” (?) to the generous people handing out the candy.

Where if you think you've hidden all the candy after you’ve gotten home, mysteriously half licked and chewed pieces are popping up all over the house(covered in costume lint and cat hair, yum).

Where you think your toddler will pass out instantly because he didn’t nap, but every giggle or noise outside has him running for the door at top speeds.

Where, according to the parents handbook, section 45 paragraph 6, YOU must eat all the candy the kids don’t want to prevent the spitting out and what not’s. (This rule I take very seriously because I really love my kids, so any pain or cramping afterwards I know it’s for the greater good. Also they may want some of this candy but we, as adults as parents as role models are trying to stop the obese society we live in and we must start with the children… I know what you’re thinking but throwing out is wasteful.

Finally where the next morning YOU not your children wake up with a sugar hangover. The only cure… sugar. (I believe that cure is found also in your handbook so I don’t know why I’m telling you this you should already know.)