9-8-06

Is it me or has Target got its own zip code now? The marketing guys that design the set-up for the store are geniuses. No matter which door you enter you’ll always need something on the opposite side so you must travel the whole store. Now if I was alone (no kids) I would browse forever (M&M’s, shower curtains, shoes, make-up, whatever you can think of), lame that I would count that as a mini vacation. Anyway to enter the store with kids you really need to have a plan (similar to breaking in to a bank). You must have all the supplies needed to get in and out, wipes, drinks, snacks, list, a suicide pill if it just gets out of control, purse, and cell phone (because you can always call your husband directly at work and scream as they scream). So as I enter the store unprepared, other than the Neopet cards that my 7 year old daughter wants, I feel a sense of dread. First off my 2 1/2 year old doesn’t want to sit in the cart; he went stiff leg on me immediately. Well now I have to lay down the rules for walking independently. No running, jumping, dragging, screaming, screeching, (there is a difference), pulling, pushing…. Oh he is off skipping away already. Secondly, the only plan I had, the Neopet cards, are not in stock. This turns into eyelash batting and “we can look for something else right?” I’m screwed. Forty minutes, bathroom break and cart full of stuff later I think we are pretty much home free, nothing’s broken or on fire so we are good. But as soon as I turn my back my 2 ½ year old disappears. I calmly call him (I popped some capillaries in my face) thank the heavens he is just around the corner. Unfortunately he has two bottles of K-Y warming liquid on each ear and he is moving them like he’s trying to get a signal. Trying to get a hold of someone on another planet, Venus maybe? Not embarrassing at all… I just discreetly take the antennas and move away… Nope we’re (he’s) pissed! He begins flailing and hollering, dropping to the floor just to hit his head so the tears can be real (method actor). I try to pick him up whispering sweet nothings into his ear (death, please, never see me again, ya know the usual), but nothing works. Biting and kicking have started and he is now lying in (on) the main aisle just adjacent to the contraceptives (a public service ad if I ever saw one). Of course I try to ignore him smiling at the other visitors, chit chatting with them…“kids will be kids”, “no nap today” (he did), “hasn’t been feeling well” (he’s fine), and “aliens are melting his brain he just was on the”… oh never mind. Somehow I bribe him to the check out line (Halloween flashlight…I know, it’s just September 8th). I begged him to sit in the cart while all 40 of us wait in the open two lines but he preferred digging for nose gold and staring at people. I finally check out and not two steps away from the register he wants to ride! I get into the car and sob not because of his fit or my new bruises it’s because I know I have forgotten something, I always do.