9-12-06

Yesterday while I was taking out the garbage I walked through a web… ok gross right? But it was the inhabitant of this web that sent me into hysterics. He was huge (he looked at me and mouthed “yum”, ok!) Basically I was frightened out of my mind. First I went into the hee bee gee bee dance all the while cussing (the usual cuss words but I made up some new ones… I’m very creative that way.)Once I established he was no longer on me and he had climbed back up his sinister web, I knew I had to get him for I would never sleep again (sorry all you bug lovers). I looked around for my weapon of choice and it happened to be a rake (plastic not even metal, what I really wanted was a blow torch… maybe next time I’m in Target) Anyway, my spasms had not subsided (I keep slapping myself all over feeling the creepy crawlies!), I pulled him and his web down with the rake. Unfortunately the trauma had made me a bit out of sorts… I couldn’t think of my next move as he shuffled off. I thought the “duh” moment had passed as I tried to attack him with the rack (I’m not a valedictorian) but of course that was not successful (rakes have spaces, genius I am). Ok so now what… A shoe but where will I get one of those? (The ones on my feet were way to obvious… remember I was violated people, he started it.) So I found another shoe and completed my goal (again I hope I’m not offending any PITA members (people identifying to arachnids). So I got back into the house but once more felt something on me and at this point I really freaked. Cussing, banging my head against the wall (yes I know ow but I thought … no I didn’t think), and jittering around. I finally jittered and jived all the way to the chair where I just sat. I have decided not to leave the house because if this guy has even one friend…