4-4-06

Well it has taken me a little while but I now have my house covered in saran wrap (eat your heart out Grandma!). Older people had the right idea all along encasing their treasured floral couches in plastic. So what if in the summer you have to peel your butt off the sweaty artificial canvas or in the winter you slide off the icy cool overlay, I can wipe it down with a paper towel, bleach, or a power washer if I want. Puke away because now I have acquired an official CDC (center for disease control) suit. Splatter me people I am prepared! It is difficult to relax on a plastic bed but clean up is a snap. Stay tuned to you local cable access channel for my inexpensive ideas for your family. Ideas like, how to not freak out every time someone sneezes (I have consulted with the top psychologists from around the globe), 101 ways to get that aroma out of you nasal cavities (some may freak you out and are painful but you will thank me later), the history of stains (riveting topic filled with all sorts of stain combinations you have never imagined), what to pack in an emergency kit if you need to run away fast ( one hint: consult your local bank for exchange rates), and much more! Stay tuned…

4-01-06

10:20p.m Friday, I am again covered in upchuck; my two- year old has once again heaved. Coating himself, his bed, and me with a concoction only worthy of the million dollar Fear Factor ($50,000 dollars way too cheap and the million may not even be enough with as much as they take out in taxes and all). Oh and I’m not talking about eating it, I’m saying just smelling it is worth the big cash. Anyway back to stripping the bed, stripping us, and to the bath and again we lie down. Now I’m completely paranoid to fall asleep, afraid to be awoken by you know what god knows where. So I lie there like a pretzel stick, eyes bugging out waiting. I must have finally shut an eye when the baby starts a musical array of noise from his backside. The odor, oh the odor, well my wish came true I wasn’t cleaning vomit any longer. The morning has come, many diaper changes have passed and some of the dead are moving around again. This is when I think maybe I should fake illness just to get away (I’ve had three kids I am a champion vomiter, I’m not exaggerating I have a plaque).I could fake them out, have them cater to my every whim, and hide in the bathroom if I just want to get away (this is pitiful). I mean hanging out in the bathroom alone ranks right up there with a trip to Aruba? Unfortunately …yes. As of yet I have not fallen ill fake or otherwise, so laundry must continue on and I must stay here (trust me I thought of running away too, but no money, no gold doubloons to barter, no jewelry to hock, I’d be an easy target of the mean streets, staying put is my only option).

3-31-06

My two year old puked every 20 to 40 minutes early Wednesday morning. He wouldn’t heave into a bucket only a towel would work, this was a long night. He felt better during the day on Wednesday and I felt beat (also I broke a record at the water company; laundry, laundry, and laundry). Thursday was lovely birds chirping, warm weather, clear skies, an occasional odor permeated from my young ones backside (but hey no vomit!), things were looking good. I swear we were all floating around, happiness encasing our bodies. Bedtime came, the children passed out from a full day, my daughter was in our bedroom. Her hair was covering her serene face; I decided to lie down beside her. She became uncomfortable squirming around and then sat up looked right at me… and projectile vomited into my freshly scrubbed face! Two seconds of shock then survival mode, drag her to the bathroom, scrub my face, strip the bed, and strip off our clothes, all the while trying not to upchuck from the smell of death (McDonald’s cheeseburger and fries). Since she had already marked me I decided to stay with her throughout the night. She like her little brother was about every 20 to 40 minutes but she would use a bucket (still she already had caused a new laundry fiasco with the first regurgitation). But it was at 4:00a.m that I knew I would be really tested. She woke up to retch again this time my eyes barely opened as I helped her. After settling her down I looked at the clock, 4:07 a.m. and prayed to make it to 5:00a.m at this same moment I heard a vibrating powerful explosion come from the hall bath. My fourteen year old had succumbed to this puking madness! Now he had made it to the bathroom (good going guy) and even the toilet but because he is bigger and more competitive (always trying to out do), he sprayed the area with this powerful blow-up. So now I was scrubbing the commode at four in the morning. Crawling back to bed, sleep hit me and I don’t think I heard a noise again until around 6:50a.m (spoiled I am). This noise was in stereo (believe me I wish I was joking) hallway bathroom and downstairs bathroom, my fourteen year was on his second round but now he was joined by a new contender my husband…As I write this at Friday 8:14p.m I have yet fallen to this illness but my body still worn from 426 loads of laundry, toilet washing, and etc. (there’s a lot of etc. but I can’t think because of lack of sleep) I wonder is it good karma or bad karma that I haven’t gotten sick….